Over the past few days I have been at what seems to be my lowest point. When things were actually starting to look up, it never fails that something always seems to go wrong. I mean I dont know why I was so surprised when this happened cause if they'll do it once then they'll do it again. But this time it was different... It wasn't only me that was put out, they kicked out my sister as well..Thats what hurt me more than anything... I knew that they didnt care for me like that but you kick out the one who u claim to never do like that and all over MONEY... something that doesnt mean nothing when you dont have people surrounding you who loves you... Thats what happens when you take ya wife's side over ya children.... I could care less about them putting me out cause they done it before when I wouldn't put up with all that goes on in that house... It's only so much one can take before you just start to pull away... If you read my last blog then you know what Im talking about... Now Im temporarily staying with my sister and her kids, which I know she doesnt mind doing it but she has to worry about her own family more or less taking on two other people... My sister leaves for school in November so at least she will be doing what she wanted... hopefully by then I'll have a place of my own or something cause I really dont feel right being here when I know she has her own family to worry about and take care of... At least I try to buy our food and take off as much strain and pressure off her as I can by taking care of the two of us. but even that gets the best of me cause its so much that u cant give my sister, and me being a full-time student myself and not having a steady job is really hard on me... Yes, my little sister is 18 but she knows nothing about being on her own... I've done it already so Im good, I had just got myself to the point where I got myself kind of where I wanted to be and now this has knocked me all the way down back to square one... I know they say that God never gives you more than you can bare but I really dont think that I can deal with anything else... I've had so much pain, heartbreak, and everything one could possibly think of... I started questioning whether or not this is punishment or something or if God really loves me cause I've been going through hell for the past few years and everytime I seem to find a little relief nothing seems to workout... I'm just tired of it all and just want to throw in the towel but something inside just wont let me but honestly I truly feel as if there is just the slightest thing else that goes wrong I will literally break down and wont be able to get back up again..

My Release

I just need to release the thoughts that are in my mind, they are driving me crazy. Screaming to be let out. My world is upside down right now and I’m not sure if I can fix it. I put on a smile and go about my day as if nothing is wrong when deep down inside my world is tumbling down. Chaos surrounds me, people aren’t happy and I just hate to come back to this house. There is no love. Its amazing how there’s a house full of people and I can feel all alone. I’m secluded, withdrawn, and just unhappy. I retreat to my room and stay to myself. No one can be trusted; everything seems to come out all wrong. So much animosity and disgust. He hates her cause of the accusations, there is not really love. She hates him cause of what he’s done in the past and the fact that he cant be trusted. They hate me cause I’m not like them, I moved away to find myself and become a better person. I don’t argue and fight all the time like I used to. I don’t walk as angry as I used to be. I don’t hate anything but I strongly dislike the fact that there is so much animosity, disgust, distrust and all going on but yet in public they try to act like the perfect family but yet throw me under the bus to anyone. Yet because they don’t know me and they can only go by what you say then they think that it is true. Not once has anyone sat down and held a conversation with me about why I am the way I am here. So I turn to the alcohol to drown my problems not that I do it daily but when I do I just want to forget my problems and pretend that everything’s okay. That next morning when I come to a realization that I have to go back to my reality and everything is not okay I only sink deeper. School has been a major stress reliever for me but now that it’s over I don’t know what to do until the fall quarter starts. I don’t like being around the same people all the time because I know that they have their own problems. I have my own demons that I’m trying to work on and this façade that I put on is weighing my down. So what will be my release now? Writing, music, just getting away.. I don’t know but only time will tell… I sit and think of how happy I once was and how I would love to get back to the point but first I have to pull out of this mess. This place is bringing me down… I’m not myself when I’m here, its hard to be that surrounded by all of this. So amidst all the drama, hate and disgust how do I get back there in that happy place? I’m not this sad, closed off person that I used to be… I left her back in 07 but when I’m here she seems to creep back… I know that I only turn to my God when I feel like I cant go on, I know that he’s there and I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve been out of touch, I want that connection back with him and maybe just maybe I could start to pull my life back together again.

A thought

I miss him. The late night convos over the phone, IM, texts or whatever the case. Just seeing his texts when I first wake up in the morning. He was always there to listen whenever I needed to vent and just get some things off my chest. We talked about any and everything, it just felt good to have that someone of the opposite sex to talk to. Even though we had some datable topics at times and were on opposite sides of the spectrum, it was nice to have an intellectual conversation sometimes. More than anything I just miss our friendship. There was something more there but we knew that it couldn’t work being in the situation that we were in but when you can have someone who you could just talk to for hours about any and everything that’s when you know you found a good friend. He even helped me study, and Lord knows if I truly wanted to be honest that I needed that extra push. There were times when I just didn’t feel like doing it, but he was always there to give me that extra boost. Even though I would probably never admit it to him, lol. I miss my “Yankee,” lol insider. But now he is gone

Appreciating Black Love

Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago has a Married Couples Dance Ministry... When I saw this I got really happy cause this is something that doesnt happen every day... I love it and it just reminds me that there is true love out there and it can last check out the link

Some thoughts

It’s 4 in the morning and I’m wide awake. I sit and think about the events that have occurred over the past few days. I can’t believe it, well wait let me take that back… I can!! For some reason I always expect stuff like this to happen, its happened all my life, so why stop now. Even with everything that has happened up til this point in my life its still something inside of me that won’t let me stop to think that this is what I deserve. I know that I deserve better and one day I might just find that one who will be my everything and treat me how I should be treated and more. It’s funny cause when you think that you have someone like that and then they turn out to be so different. I wouldn’t say that they got to that point all on their own, but its easier to go along with what’s familiar and easier access than to go along with something that one would be uncertain about what would happen. I get that but when I get told one thing and then the next day it’s a whole different story that’s BS… I mean I cant be mad cause we weren’t dating just friends whose relationship seemed to grow somehow, but still it kind of hurts. If it were me in that situation (which I have been in) I don’t know what I would’ve done. I can understand not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings but either way someone is going to get hurt through the lies and deceit, so why not be upfront about it? I guess that’s what gets me… no one means to hurt anyone but they do it anyway cause they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings… I’d rather someone be straight up about it with me, so I would know where I stand and I could move the fuck on… But it’s life and it doesn’t work like that all the time, but imagine if it did. One day these blogs will be of more happier spirits… when I am in a good mood I don’t tend to  write as much as I do when I have a lot of things on my mind. I’m no longer confused, I chalked it up as a lost and have to keep it moving… who knows what will happen in the future, but while I’m making my way there, I will continue to work on myself and do what I have to do in order for me to be a better person all around.

SO CONFUSED

I thought that everything was cool… I mean we just called ourselves acquaintances. Yea the L word was said but if that was what you were feeling at the time who is to say that you were wrong… We were just talking, there were feelings there but we couldn’t actually see if anything was there. They lived up the coast and well me, I live in GA. I guess my views on things are a bit different from others. I’ve seen relationships ( if it ever got to that point) work from on two different coasts. It’s just the matter of time and effort one is willing to put in. Yes, I have to say that I’m a little hurt by this cause I actually cared for this person, but I guess things were moving to fast… I don't see how it was really moving that fast, we talked on the phone, text, and IMd every day but when you want to get to know someone that's what you do. Do you really have to meet someone in person to actually know them? I don't think physically seeing someone makes that big of a difference, if the feelings are already there then just being able to see that person makes the connection stronger. I guess me being a military spouse for a few years gave me a different perspective on a lot of things. Cause when you actually look at it you spend a lot of time apart from your spouse with all the training, deployments and everything how much do you really know about them? Not saying that its the same thing, its just this whole thing is confusing. I don’t know I can honestly say that i’ve had some really good things come out of long distance relationships so my opinion on if it can actually work or not is different. I just think that before one can say something about it, they should at least try it out. Not saying that long distance relationships are for everyone but I thought that maybe there would be more understanding or open mindedness. No pun intended when I say this *** one person’s opinion about what you’re doing in your life shouldn’t make you change your entire perspective.*** If that person made you happy whose to say that’s not right. If you couldn’t wait to talk to them or they were the last person you talked to before you went to bed, whose to say that ya’ll are moving to fast. For right now, it was all about getting to know each other. If you hit it off you just hit off. Now what if that coulda been someone that you coulda spent ya life with and you missed out on the opportunity. I dunno, everything happens for a reason.. I just wish that I could understand, I never will but its cool. I guess maybe I was hurt more than I thought, sorry for the rant. I just had to get this off of my chest. Now it’s time to clear my head!!!

Summer Love pt. 4

I was glad to be back home in the wonderful city of Atlanta, not only did I miss it but my sexy pecan tan was here. It felt like forever since I had last seen Kevin and I was dying to see him. On the drive up all I could think about was him. How much I couldn’t wait to be in his arms again. The way he looks at me with those bedroom eyes; that gorgeous smile; those lips, God knows how much I love them, and that New York accent drives me crazy. Its not just his looks, he is the sweetest person I’ve ever met. So kind and gentle yet possesses so much strength, intelligence, and power. After five hours I was exhausted and all I wanted was to cuddle up with man and go to sleep. My baby had a healthy sexual appetite and I knew that if I headed over to his place I wouldn’t be getting any sleep so to my apartment was where I headed.  Man, it felt so good to be home! I dropped my bags and headed straight for the shower. After showering it was time for me to relax but just as I was about to climb into my king sized bed there was a knock at my door.
“Kevin, what are you doing here,” I asked surprisingly.
“Well I knew that you would be tired and probably wouldn’t come to my place so I came to yours.”
“Babe, I’m really tired and need some sleep.”
“I know you do but I really wanted to see you tonight and I just couldn’t wait. All I want is to hold you in my arms until you fall asleep.”
“Aww babe, you are just so sweet. I knew there was a reason why I loved you so much.” I said running into his arms.
Being in his arms just felt so right, when I was there I felt so safe like nothing could ever harm me. There was a place that I always wanted to stay.  We cuddled up into my bed and began to watch Love Jones. Kevin knew how much I loved that movie so back when we first began dating  he bought it for me, its no telling how many times we’ve watched this movie. During the middle of the movie I must’ve dosed off because I woke up to a pitch black room, jazz playing from the IPod and there were those bedroom eyes staring right at me.
“Babe, what are you still doing up?”
“It’s not that late. You fell asleep during the movie so I turned it off so it wouldn’t disturb you. I went to work out, came back took a shower, and you were still sleeping. Did you know that you look so beautiful while you were sleeping,” he asked moving my hair from my face.
I couldn’t help but smile. I loved this man so much and Lord knows that I would never do anything to mess this up. Sometimes I just think about how I got so lucky, this man is everything a woman could ask for and then some. He treats me like his queen and there is nothing that he wouldn’t do for me that I wouldn’t do for him. When I was going through some tough times back in the day, I could always turn to him for support. He was there when no one else was and it was then that I knew that this was the one.
“Come on babe, let’s go to sleep,” I said snuggling up against his body “I love you Kevin.”
“I love  you too my mocha.” It was then that we let Ella carry us off into another world. As the morning sun peaked through my window, I was awaken by those luscious lips with a good morning kiss. For the rest of the summer I would be looking forward to waking up to that every morning, however waking up to it for the rest of my life would be even better.