The Old VS. New ME

Okay, so  ever since I came back I've been getting comments and smirks and replies just about everything... For some reason I can't seem why people care to think about things that don't even really matter anymore. If I'm not worried about it then they shouldnt be either, right?

Issue #1: Some people just cant get over the fact that Im not the tall thin girl that I used to be.. I'm tired of having to explain myself everytime somebody asks bout that... Well, in case u haven't noticed it has been 2 or 3 years since you last seen me? I don't give a fuck what you think about me. So, what I gained weight, I can lose it just like I gained it. I know that Im not in the best shape but guess what that doesnt bother me, Im still hot, still sexy and Im gonna be me regardless of what anyone else has to say bout it.. No one is excluded from this even my own family, yea you may say it as a joke but it's not cute... How can you expect someone to be the same as they were 3 years ago? If they're the same then they haven't growed... Life happens, I can admit that I need to tone some areas but that's my problem not yours, get over it.

#2: "What happened? You used to be so quiet, I never knew you had an attitude like this." No, it's not an attitude! I'm just speaking what's on my mind for once. Ever since I can remember, I've kept things in... I was the nice one, always did for others and was considerate of others feelings. Don't get me wrong, Im still nice and considerate but now I voice my opinions. I tell the truth and if you dont like it then too bad.. I learned over the past few years just how much holding things in were actually hurting me.. I have a ways to go but it's getting better. I'm not afraid to let someone know how I feel about certain things... You may call it an attitude, I call it being me. I learned that the truth may hurt but it can also hurt by not letting others know. It hurts you as well cause its just added stress, let it go...

#3: The whole "What happened I thought you were married" spill. Now, although this is still a somewhat sensitive topic for me it needs to be said. Everytime I see you in public, you don't have to keep asking me what happened cause you're not going to know, it's none of your business. I'm tired of people telling me how sorry they are to hear about my divorce, NO YOU'RE NOT, stop lying!! Wait, matter of fact how did you hear about it? Man, I tell you people and this damn gossiping.. No telling what you heard along with it but who cares.. Just like whenever you see us together you have this shocked looks on your face, why? LMAO, people really trip me out with this. "I thought ya'll are divorced, why ya'll still hanging out?" LOL, NEWSFLASH: EVERYONE THAT GETS DIVORCED DOESN'T HATE EACH OTHER!!! We're still friends, close friends at that, and for those that say its not possible, it is.. We started off as friends, why cant we be friends now? Who cares about a piece of paper? That shouldnt stop us from hanging out... I just dont understand

People are still looking for this same girl that they knew in school, and to be honest not many off of them knew the REAL ME then either. I grew up, I've matured, I've been through things, had rough times just like any other person but I've learned from them. I have no regrets about nothing that I've done. I wish that people would stop looking in the past because they're going to miss out on the wonderful person that I am now. The New and Improved Jiovani is here and she isn't going anywhere. I love who I am and thats all that matters!!

My beginning

Ok so I started my hair journey today. I took out my glue ins... Thoroughly washed my hair with V05 strengthen shampoo, then deep conditioned my hair with a mixture of Silk Elements Moisturizing Conditioner and Organics by Africa's Best Hair Mayonnaise. I let it sit on there fot 30 minutes with a heated conditioning cap on. Then I washed it out, and put Creme of Nature's Lemongrass & Rosemary Leave-In Creme Conditioner, Aphogee's mousse and foam wrap to protect my hair against the heat when I blow dryed it and here's the ending result.. My start of my challenge

My Hair Journey

Okay, this is my first blog for the new year and I'm so excited about this!!! For awhile now I've been thinkin about transitioning into natural hair... I don't know if I'm ready for that so I'm taking a smaller step and documenting my journey for healthy hair. A friend recommended this website to me and boy do I love it!! They have all kind of hair, beauty and anything possible advice here it is www.hairlista.com I've decided to take a challenge. So for a year starting today I'm wearing nothing but braids, kinky twists, and sew-ins... Of course, I will be documenting my journey on here as well as there... I can't wait to see how much my hair will have grown during this process... For more info here is the website: http://www.hairlista.com/group/weavesbraidschallenge2010
Buckle ya seat belts cause this will be one hell of a ride

2nd Anniversary

Ok so today Im very emotional, I dont know what to do or how to control. Today is the day that I have been married for two years. No, its not all congratulations or noting like that because probbaly for the past 4 or 5 months we've been seperated. Im in Athens and he's down there. I dont know how to feel at this point because everything is at a stand still with us. One part of me is happy and wants that romantic part but the other half is just like fuck it, its another day... We're still in communication and recently both of us had it on our minds... IM just very overwhelmed at this point that I cant even think straight.. I just one of two things to happen, either we reconcile and continue putting forth the effort to keep this marriage going or we end it. Now, Im not one to believe in divorces but I cant do this any longer... I need someone who is going to be there for me through it all and give me the time, love, and energy that I need... Not saying that he hasnt been there because he has even with us being seperated he's been there. I just cant do this.. knowing that I have a husband 4 hours away and I cant even see him when I want.. It was different when he was deployed that I can deal with but dammit he's stateside and I cant even do that. I want someone that I can wake up to every morning, who will love me unconditionally, always have my back, who understands and knows where Im coming from... I want to be able to cook and clean for him, have little romantic nights planned, just to cuddle up on the sofa and watch movies or read a book or something... I cant do that, I miss talking to him at nights in the bed, I just miss everything that we used to do... Am I wrong for wanting these things? I dont think that its too much to ask, I just want that commitment to one another and to know that we will be together forever, for however long forever may be.

My heart stops and my breathing quickens
I look down to see my hands shaking
water falls from my eyes and my vision is blurred
the words heard are forsaken
the words are there...
but my voice is hidden

Come on you can do it just say it
millons of thoughts form in my head
and still nothing is said
anxiety, fear, heart broken
my breaths become shorter
its becoming harder for me to breathe

I hear you say "put your head between your legs"
I do..... still nothing
"Now take deep breaths"
I do.... calmness starts to come
slow, deep breaths
the water is still falling
my shakes have stopped
"Are you okay?"
nothing..... slow, deep breaths

My mouth forms to speaks
my voice is slowly returning
the water has stopped
mouth is dry
I reach for my glass
refreshing
the only thing I could say was "yes"

No Title

All I'm asking is for someone to be there for me not because they have to or when they find it convienent for them but because they want to. Yea, I fuck up sometimes but who doesn't? At least I can admit that I have flaws and not walk around like I'm perfect. I'm just hoping that I'm not wasting my time or emotions on someone that doesn't feel the same. I've had my heart broken many times but always seemed to give the next man a fair chance. Being accused of everything under the sun because some dumbass female hurt you in the past. My patience is there and I can tolerate going through hell and back but that doesn't mean that I like it. I'm tired of being there for people who obviously could give a damn about me. I'm always nice and in return gets shitted on in the end. Why cant I be the one who doesnt give a fuck? Why do I care what you think? Always tending to others before myself. Then when I do, I'm wrong and get doubted and called all kinds of names. why? Attitudes I can deal with but I would rather not choose to.

How could I care so much about a person and know that the feelings aren't returned? You can say what you want all day but you show something different. So tell me why should I put myself out there just to get rejected or hurt again? Im not going to, getting hurt is too painful. I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall for you, i was only kidding myself thinking that you felt the same. I should've known better, I allowed you to get close to me thinking that it was okay. Now once again I feel like a fool for allowing myself to be vulnerable with you. There is no one to blame except myself. Why I thought you were different? I have no clue, I should've allowed my guard to stay up.

To Love

Dear Love,

I am writing you this letter to ask you to please leave me alone. I know you're like this woman has gone mad. On the contrary my friend I have not gone mad, I'm just tired. I know you get a lot of requests asking that people find, I however dont want that. I truly want you to leave me alone for awhile. You see the result is always the same for me when I fall in love. Yes, it might just be the wrong guys or maybe even me. I cant take getting hurt again right now, so that's the best solution that I could think of.

However, I did think of one condition in which you could stay. My condition, well it's that you help me to fall in love with myself all over again. you see I've neglected myself for so long and now it's time to get reacquainted. I want to get to know me in ways that I never thought was possible. If you so happen to look at another person that way during my relationship then you're out the door. My relationship comes first, anyone else is out the question. That way if I let myself down I have no one to blame but myself.

Only when I think that I'm ready to fall in love with someone else will we amend our contract. I'm really looking forward to us working so closely together.

Sincerely,

Jiovani