Fed Up

Ok, so lately I've been dealing with a lot. I have a lot of shit on my mind and no one who quite understands even when they say that they do. I dont understand why people think that they can just take me for granted. Just because I dont talk a lot n quiet most of the times dont mean shit. Then they look at me stupid or like Im wrong when I blow up or finally had enough n speak my mind. I just dont fuckin understand it, if I was to start being selfish n only think about myself then I would be mean, an asshole, or my favorite a bitch.... If I have to go there I can be the most hateful bitch alive but thats not who I am, my momma raised me better than that.

Now, I have to start dealin with HIM actin a damn fool too. He just dont know Im bout to start fuckin people up.. If he gets on my bad side he can get treated like everyone else... I hate the fact that I like him so damn much... I mean it aint even posed to be like this, it wasnt posed to go this far. We were just posed to get each other over hard times n be there n just chill, but some how along the way we both caught feelings but let him tell it he likes me more than I like him. He just dont know, I try not to put my shit out there cause I know that being more than friends at this time is impossible... Hell, even now Im mad as hell at him but as soon as he looks at me n smile it all goes away n I hate that shit... Why do I have to be like this? Sometimes I just want to be mad at people n not let my emotions or feelings get the best of me.

There is a lot that I can go on and talk bout but I will be here all day. Hell I could turn the shit that I got to say into a series of books.... For some reason lately, I've been wanting a child... I mean I've always wanted one but I said that I dont want a baby daddy. The need to have one has gotten stronger than before... I look at others with their kids and long for the one that I lost... I've been having dreams of a faceless baby crying for their mom, then there was another one where I was holding a baby in my arms and it just vanished. I woke up screaming and crying. I dont know whats the meaning of it or why I have the urge to have one now but this is crazy, I dont know what to do... I refuse to have one with someone who I cant see dealing with for 18yrs or longer, preferably i would like to have a family but I know that now a days thats damn near impossible... Sometimes I wonder what if. What would have happened if I never lost that one, would we still be a happy family? Would I have been happier? I dont know maybe Im weird like that, I always say Im different than most... Who knows?