Anger/Hurt/Happiness

Sometimes I wonder what happened to me? How did I end up this way? Im not necessarily bitter just more so angry. I didn’t realize how angry I was. So mad at all that has gone in my life. I havent caught a break since I was 14. My relationships havent been exactly good, I don’t really have them. I remember always being this shy girl which grew into my being a shy woman who never really opened up and expressed herself. I’m actually thankful for Terry, even though all the BS we’ve been through he’s helped me with that. I’m expressing myself a lot better and what I’m expressing seems like years of built up anger. Don’t get me wrong that’s not all that I’m expressing. Ok, lets take for example this person I’m talking to when I finally started talking more he said I thought you were this shy sweet girl but you’re not. I was once upon a time, it might be due to the fact that I’m not a girl anymore, I’m growing into my own lady. But I would like to get this anger out of me because I feel that its hindering me from doing a lot of things. I’m scared to love anyone, I’m scared to be vulnerable, I’m upset that I’m always the “friend.” I always help people get over there problems and get through whatever but yet no one actually sticks around for me. I’ve tried to figure that one out for many years. If I tell them about my past they got scared and that just made me slowly close back up. Then I started to think if people are only going to get scared or look at me differently when I tell them certain things then I would rather keep it to myself. Maybe I will end up by myself, who knows. As of right now, I just think that its best if I’m by myself. I’m tired of people stringing me along and getting my feelings involved when that’s not easy for me to do at all. I have to say probably a lot of the anger is geared towards to myself cause I keep allowing myself to get attached and catch feelings for people and the end result is me getting hurt. I’ll tell myself that no more until I get myself on track, but the compassionate and loving person inside of me always seems to come out. It’s a constant fight between me wanting to be the “bitch” to protect myself and that inner person who just cares so much and for some reason they always win. I have a this hard exterior so that people won’t get close but somehow some people do and it bothers me that I let them. I cant risk another heartache and after all that I been through I deserve someone whose gonna love me in and out. Who will understand and accept me for who I am. I guess I should say be IN love with me. Cause there is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with them. I guess you could say I’m a romantic, as much as I want to believe in fairy tales and happy endings I know that isn’t always the case. One day when GOD decides that its time I know that he will send me that one special person. Until that time, I will continue to better myself and focus on my relationship with GOD and myself.