Life Update

Okay, I know it's been ages since I last blogged but a lot has been going on and I had the chance to actually blog but never did because I was so stressed. Im not as stressed as I used to be but it is still there.

Marriage is a wonderful things, it is full of ups and downs but having that one person who will always be there to help u through it and will always have ur back no matter what makes it worth while. That one person who u could tell everything to and the love that you have for each other is so apparent. I dont have that anymore I thought I did but it turned out not to be. Right now at this point in my life I dont ever want to get married again because the hurt and pain caused by someone who have given ur all to is undescribable. This marriage has been full of ups and downs but the good times always pulled through. Even going through the divorce process has been stressful. My husband and I are still friends and we are cool as hell, we still laugh and joke around just like we used and some people just dont seem to get why. They think that just cause we're getting a divorce we're supposed to be angry and at each other's throats all the time. I still go to his family's house and spend time with them, hell we even went out together all of us his parents, brother,him, my sister and I and had a ball. I love his family and they love me and no matter what happened between me and their son they chose to remain a part of my life and Im so greatful for that.

Since we are divorcing I have moved back to Athens to stay with my parents until I get back on my feet. Which there was a lot of heated discussion because I felt as if I was going backwards. I mean ever since I was little I wanted to get out of Athens and that was my goal. I have went away and came back and that's not what I wanted, not to live. For some Athens is a dream come true but for me my dreams and aspirations are much bigger. So for now I will be taking classes at Athens Tech(hopefully), find a job so I can save up money to continue doing what I need to do in my life. Going through this divorce has made me realize who I am and what I actually want in life. Even though we've had our arguments or whatever I love my parents. If it wasnt for them God knows where I would be right now.

Through all of this I can still hold my head up high. Cause I know that I tried and done my best by him and it just wasnt the right time for us. We made it further than alot of people thought we would. I wish him the best and Im going to continue to follow my dreams. For the people that have been there for me through this all I truly appreciate and love you guys even though I know some of u dont read these. For that one person I've cried my eyes out to, all the talks we have had, doing what u did even when u didnt have the money to do it and for the nights u held me in ur arms because that was what I needed the most, thanks a lot u are truly a good friend and Im glad that u came into my life at the point that I considered to be my lowest. Even though u don't think so, u are truly a special person and no matter what I will be thankful and appreciative of what u have done for me. 

I dont regret anything that has happened because it is a lesson learned and it was a life changing experience for me. It was great while it lasted but now it is time to push forward through all the adversity, stupid comments and rumors and to move on with my life. The best way to make people look like an ass is to do what I planned and it will speak for itself.  The comments,stories,lies, and whatever else people who absolutely know nothing about me say are just the fuel for my fire. For the person who told my step-mom there was a nasty blog about them why dont u run and tell this.

He's gone

I know that I havent blogged in awhile but unfortunately this isn't how I wanted to come back doing it. Earlier today I received news that Sean had passed this morning. Now for those of you who don't know the situation I've did a few blogs about him before. I don't know how to feel, I cried and cried my eyes out. I thought that I was wrong for crying cause of our situation with him being someone I talked to back in the day but I dont we remained friends til this day. He's always been someone who knew how to cheer me up. Ever since he's been in the hospital it's been hard not being able to pick up the phone and call him just to talk or whatever. Even though when shit down, we kind of picked up where we left off talking but not to that extent. He will be forever someone I miss dearly and will hold a special part in my life. I love you Sean and thanks for always being there when I needed you. I know that with you and my mom looking over me I will be okay. 

HELP

OK, so its been a minute since I've had a chance to write a blog. I wont say that I'm back but this has been nagging at me so I needed to get this off my chest. I met this guy and we're cool. I mean we just friends, getting to know each other and chillin with each other. I've been spending a lot of time with him, staying at his house and what not. We're in similar situations but besides that we have some things in common. He is very easy to talk to, he makes me laugh, etc. Now here comes the dilemma. I know a lot about him because he's not afraid to tell me things about him. When it comes to me, there are somethings that I want to say and get out but dont know how and Im scared. He says that its like a gap because he wants me to talk to him about whatever is on my mind. My problem is that I really want to open up and talk to him about shit, I mean I told him about my past me growin up and shit like that. But when it comes to expressin my feelings I cant do it, it gets so hard for me. This has been something that I've hated about myself for awhile because I cant express the way I want to and it aggravates the hell out of me. I've tried for so long to open up but it seems like the shit I've been through wont let me. Hell the last time I opened up to someone was to my ex-husband and look where that has got me. Alone, trying to find my way again, starting over, doubting and wondering about every man. Now, I know that as long as I can't express myself that it will be a problem in any relationship that I might have in the future. I want to get rid of this fear,phobia, problem or whatever it might be. But I dont know where to start, how do you begin? How do I get over this problem? 

My "Other" Family

I always knew that my mom was adopted but never knew why or who her actual birth parents are. So after my mom had passed I found that she actualyly found out who were birth parents were and we were all supposed to take a trip that summer to see them. My dad never knew this because her "aunt" had kept the information from him because they dont get along and she knew that I never would've found out. So needless to say now that I am on my own, I have been in contact with them, barely understand them but I keep in contact. LOL, I know you're like how you barely understand them? That's because her birth parents aren't actually American, her mom is Jamaican and her dad is Dominican Republican. Now, they knew about us and had pictures and everything. So, I finally got to talk to my grandmother again today and I asked what happened. Well, she came to America illegally but somehow obtained a work visa to stay around. At work she met my abuelo and they fell in love, she got pregnant, blah blah blah. Shortly after she had my mom her work visa expired and she had to go back to Jamaica but because my mom was born here she was a citizen... So in order for my mom to have a decent chance at life she put her up for adoption and went back to Jamaica. She later came back for her but she had already been adopted. So now back to the present, my grandmother still resides in Jamaica along with 3 of my aunts and 2 uncles. My abuelo is back in the DR, he has two other children with whom I cant communicate with cause their espanol and my espanol is two totally different things,lol. Soon hopefully in the summer my aunts and uncles and grandmother will travel to Flordia and I will finally get to meet them... YAY!!! Now, I understand why one of my friend's mother who is hispanic looked at me and told me that I wasn't fully black. I kind of looked at her like she was crazy but never understood why she said it. Ever since I been here no matter who came in contact with me, always asked what I was mixed with and I couldnt figure why everyone kept saying it. Something bout red undertones in my skin, my hair is too soft( I can go two months without a perm and no one would know), etc. It's just weird how people knew and I never did. Just thought I was 100% negro, so now Im 1/2 black, 1/4 Jamaican. and 1/4 Dominican I think.. Im not sure, help!!!

Unknown

I Knock
Silence
I knock again
and more silence
with no one to turn to
or nowhere to go
I wait
waiting for someone to come alone
the walls are closing in
it's getting harder to breath
air....... i need air
I scream for help
but nothing
I scream louder
and still nothing
It's then I realize
I'm alone.... all alone
the knocking stops
the screams cease
and all I hear is my heart beat
and shallow breathing
then I start to cry
hoping that at God will hear me

Good News

Hearing this news, just brightened my day. Okay, so remember when I said that they was going to pull the plug on Sean? Well, his aunt couldnt do it and thanks to her not doing it Sean is slowly but yet getting better. The doctors said that he still has a long way to go IF he does pull through. But somehow I know that God heard our prayers and will make a way. I've never given up on him, I prayed for him and will continue to do just that. I sent my love through his aunt. I know that he is fightin to pull through because of his family, his decision to change his life around, and a promise that we have made a while back. I ask that you guys continue to pray that he keeps pullin through and will be just fine.

This is why I dont have many female friends

Ok, so basically I dealt with drama for the last part of my weekend. It kind of started Friday when my friend wanted her soon to be ex husband to watch the kids this weekend, he's been back from deployment for probably a good two months so he didnt have a place to stay. He's been livin in hotels for the past few months, so he wanted to stay in the apartment that is in HIS name and that HE pays the rent for. She said okay at first and then changed her mind. They went back and forth for a minute. So finally she said yea n she was posed to stay at my house the whole week. Okay, cool u my homegirl I dont mind. So then Monday comes and shes nowhere to be found, she claims they tried to kick her out the apartment(which they werent) so I end up goin there to see whats goin on. Her ex's girl ends up comin over and since I have nothing against her, we started talking. Now some of yall may think that it was fucked up that I started talkin to the other chick. It was like I told her I dont know her n Im not a mean person naturally unless someone fucks with me and makes me mad(which takes alot) then I dont have nothin against them. So we talkin and she gets paranoid and thinks we talkin bout her, which we werent. The truth did come out ladies and gentlemen, come to find out she had been throwiin my name around during arguments with her ex, so needless to say he didnt like me n he didnt even know me. We started comparing stories and finds out that she's been lyin to the both of us. So the girl stays mad at me for a whole day, oooooooo Im scared,lol.. So this morning she called and said we needed to talk. Okay whatever come back. She apologized, I apologized and everything was cool. So we went to her house and chilled. Next thing I know she just ups and leave so now its me, her kids, n her mother in law for the time being. The girl comes back and says she has to go she cant stay here anymore my name is now on the lease. So me being the good friend that I am call her and tell her that they are kicking her out. By the time she gets there the chick is gone and her ex is there, I take the kids inside because they dont need to listen to their parents argue. So Im playin with the kids she gets her stuff n leaves. Her ex comes in and says that "Oh she said that you could walk home." HOLD THE FUCK UP BITCH, u came and got me out my house, brought me over, and then said I can walk home. What type of motherfuckin bullshit is that? So I end up getting a ride from her ex and his girl. We pull up to my place, the girl's boyfriend(who my husband let him keep his stuff there since he had no place to put it), my ex, and a couple of their friends were outside. Now this bitch is in her boyfriends ear sayin that I been tellin all they business and whatever. So he comes at me wrong and I immediately go the fuck off. She's lyin and because u fuckin her u believe that dumb ass shit that comes out her mouth even though it dont make any sense comin out of urs. Her pussy cant be that fuckin good!!! So me n him get into it and I yell where she can hear me through the phone that anytime she is motherfuckin ready to come c me. He walks off and gets into his friend's car( cause he dont have his own cause his wife takes all his money). Oooops that the twist, both are technically still married. Her n her ex divorce will be final soon but ur datin someone who is still married. Where does that lead u fuckin slut? So needless to say both of them are kicked out of my life and if I ever see her again she will get fucked up on sight. Thats why I dont hang around a lot of females cause they full of shit.