2nd Anniversary

Ok so today Im very emotional, I dont know what to do or how to control. Today is the day that I have been married for two years. No, its not all congratulations or noting like that because probbaly for the past 4 or 5 months we've been seperated. Im in Athens and he's down there. I dont know how to feel at this point because everything is at a stand still with us. One part of me is happy and wants that romantic part but the other half is just like fuck it, its another day... We're still in communication and recently both of us had it on our minds... IM just very overwhelmed at this point that I cant even think straight.. I just one of two things to happen, either we reconcile and continue putting forth the effort to keep this marriage going or we end it. Now, Im not one to believe in divorces but I cant do this any longer... I need someone who is going to be there for me through it all and give me the time, love, and energy that I need... Not saying that he hasnt been there because he has even with us being seperated he's been there. I just cant do this.. knowing that I have a husband 4 hours away and I cant even see him when I want.. It was different when he was deployed that I can deal with but dammit he's stateside and I cant even do that. I want someone that I can wake up to every morning, who will love me unconditionally, always have my back, who understands and knows where Im coming from... I want to be able to cook and clean for him, have little romantic nights planned, just to cuddle up on the sofa and watch movies or read a book or something... I cant do that, I miss talking to him at nights in the bed, I just miss everything that we used to do... Am I wrong for wanting these things? I dont think that its too much to ask, I just want that commitment to one another and to know that we will be together forever, for however long forever may be.

My heart stops and my breathing quickens
I look down to see my hands shaking
water falls from my eyes and my vision is blurred
the words heard are forsaken
the words are there...
but my voice is hidden

Come on you can do it just say it
millons of thoughts form in my head
and still nothing is said
anxiety, fear, heart broken
my breaths become shorter
its becoming harder for me to breathe

I hear you say "put your head between your legs"
I do..... still nothing
"Now take deep breaths"
I do.... calmness starts to come
slow, deep breaths
the water is still falling
my shakes have stopped
"Are you okay?"
nothing..... slow, deep breaths

My mouth forms to speaks
my voice is slowly returning
the water has stopped
mouth is dry
I reach for my glass
refreshing
the only thing I could say was "yes"

No Title

All I'm asking is for someone to be there for me not because they have to or when they find it convienent for them but because they want to. Yea, I fuck up sometimes but who doesn't? At least I can admit that I have flaws and not walk around like I'm perfect. I'm just hoping that I'm not wasting my time or emotions on someone that doesn't feel the same. I've had my heart broken many times but always seemed to give the next man a fair chance. Being accused of everything under the sun because some dumbass female hurt you in the past. My patience is there and I can tolerate going through hell and back but that doesn't mean that I like it. I'm tired of being there for people who obviously could give a damn about me. I'm always nice and in return gets shitted on in the end. Why cant I be the one who doesnt give a fuck? Why do I care what you think? Always tending to others before myself. Then when I do, I'm wrong and get doubted and called all kinds of names. why? Attitudes I can deal with but I would rather not choose to.

How could I care so much about a person and know that the feelings aren't returned? You can say what you want all day but you show something different. So tell me why should I put myself out there just to get rejected or hurt again? Im not going to, getting hurt is too painful. I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall for you, i was only kidding myself thinking that you felt the same. I should've known better, I allowed you to get close to me thinking that it was okay. Now once again I feel like a fool for allowing myself to be vulnerable with you. There is no one to blame except myself. Why I thought you were different? I have no clue, I should've allowed my guard to stay up.

To Love

Dear Love,

I am writing you this letter to ask you to please leave me alone. I know you're like this woman has gone mad. On the contrary my friend I have not gone mad, I'm just tired. I know you get a lot of requests asking that people find, I however dont want that. I truly want you to leave me alone for awhile. You see the result is always the same for me when I fall in love. Yes, it might just be the wrong guys or maybe even me. I cant take getting hurt again right now, so that's the best solution that I could think of.

However, I did think of one condition in which you could stay. My condition, well it's that you help me to fall in love with myself all over again. you see I've neglected myself for so long and now it's time to get reacquainted. I want to get to know me in ways that I never thought was possible. If you so happen to look at another person that way during my relationship then you're out the door. My relationship comes first, anyone else is out the question. That way if I let myself down I have no one to blame but myself.

Only when I think that I'm ready to fall in love with someone else will we amend our contract. I'm really looking forward to us working so closely together.

Sincerely,

Jiovani

Fed Up

Ok, so lately I've been dealing with a lot. I have a lot of shit on my mind and no one who quite understands even when they say that they do. I dont understand why people think that they can just take me for granted. Just because I dont talk a lot n quiet most of the times dont mean shit. Then they look at me stupid or like Im wrong when I blow up or finally had enough n speak my mind. I just dont fuckin understand it, if I was to start being selfish n only think about myself then I would be mean, an asshole, or my favorite a bitch.... If I have to go there I can be the most hateful bitch alive but thats not who I am, my momma raised me better than that.

Now, I have to start dealin with HIM actin a damn fool too. He just dont know Im bout to start fuckin people up.. If he gets on my bad side he can get treated like everyone else... I hate the fact that I like him so damn much... I mean it aint even posed to be like this, it wasnt posed to go this far. We were just posed to get each other over hard times n be there n just chill, but some how along the way we both caught feelings but let him tell it he likes me more than I like him. He just dont know, I try not to put my shit out there cause I know that being more than friends at this time is impossible... Hell, even now Im mad as hell at him but as soon as he looks at me n smile it all goes away n I hate that shit... Why do I have to be like this? Sometimes I just want to be mad at people n not let my emotions or feelings get the best of me.

There is a lot that I can go on and talk bout but I will be here all day. Hell I could turn the shit that I got to say into a series of books.... For some reason lately, I've been wanting a child... I mean I've always wanted one but I said that I dont want a baby daddy. The need to have one has gotten stronger than before... I look at others with their kids and long for the one that I lost... I've been having dreams of a faceless baby crying for their mom, then there was another one where I was holding a baby in my arms and it just vanished. I woke up screaming and crying. I dont know whats the meaning of it or why I have the urge to have one now but this is crazy, I dont know what to do... I refuse to have one with someone who I cant see dealing with for 18yrs or longer, preferably i would like to have a family but I know that now a days thats damn near impossible... Sometimes I wonder what if. What would have happened if I never lost that one, would we still be a happy family? Would I have been happier? I dont know maybe Im weird like that, I always say Im different than most... Who knows?

Alone

Why is that I feel so alone? In this house, town, country, world... all these people surrounding me n not one takes the time to get to know the real me, they may think they do but they dont... How is it that I can feel all alone no matter where I go or who I turn to, I feel as if Im the only one who knows what Im going through... No one is there to help me along the way.. God can do a lot but who am I posed to turn to for human interaction, I dont want to be fake.. My heart is achin n no one cares, Im a lost soul.... hopefully soon I will find a way n hopefully one day I wont feel alone

Just want to do this

I needed someone to talk to who would actually listen n talk back but since no one is available I just need to get this off my chest AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I strongly dislike people who get upset or mad at u over the smallest stuff and then hold it against u what kind of sense does that make... For the past couple of nights I've went to bed hornier than all hell and couldnt get shit cause some dumb ass wouldnt talk to me over the stupidest thing over... Now Im just in sexual overload and its only been a couple of nights.... ok Chal, I admit that I am a nymphomaniac... didnt think so until now, shit does that mean I need help?