Just letting emotions go

I know that I said I was going to bed but after this one I will, but this has been on my mind for a while now and I have to get it off. For the past few weeks, he’s been on mind. Ever since I found out some stuff and were left with unanswered questions its been bothering the hell outta me. I don’t like being left in the dark. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always worried about him. Is he okay? How’s he being treated? Etc. etc Due to the fact that he’s incarcerated there’s not really much I can do. But I can’t help but to ask myself, what in the hell made him do that? How could you tell me one thing and be lying at the same time? I know its possible but its just something that I wasn’t expecting or anything. We weren’t dating because I mean you cant really date someone whose incarcerated and has been since we were 17. I mean we both couldn’t deny that ever since we met years ago that we were attracted to each other but we decided to keep it strictly on a friendship basis, well I did anyways due to the fact that you were what every girl in the damn city wanted almost, and being your friend I knew the type of person you were at the time. It wasn’t gonna happen. After all these years we still kept in touch even though it was limited. I mean I cant help but wonder what if. You were supposed to be in school right now playing ball on a scholarship somewhere. Every time I see your friends out they are always giving me updates on you, I don’t see why but I guess its cause you know I worry. Sometimes when I need that one person to go to for advice and I cant pick up the phone to call you, I get mad. Im so upset with you that you risked your life, wasted your talent and education all over some bull. I know I’ve told you that before but it hurts more than you know. I guess I could never understand, I know its not meant for me to understand. What I don’t understand now is why you would risk what we have, our friendship, over some stupid, petty shit that you couldn’t yourself have the decency to call and ask me about. Instead I hear it through a mutual acquaintance. Havent heard from you in almost a month and you know that pisses me off, but its on your terms and I cant do anything about it. I will never stop asking how you’re doing or praying for you. And I wish you the best once you get out this year. Hopefully our friendship can be reconciled but if I not I’ve told you my piece and I can deal with it. You will always be in my prayers friend.