Over the past few days I have been at what seems to be my lowest point. When things were actually starting to look up, it never fails that something always seems to go wrong. I mean I dont know why I was so surprised when this happened cause if they'll do it once then they'll do it again. But this time it was different... It wasn't only me that was put out, they kicked out my sister as well..Thats what hurt me more than anything... I knew that they didnt care for me like that but you kick out the one who u claim to never do like that and all over MONEY... something that doesnt mean nothing when you dont have people surrounding you who loves you... Thats what happens when you take ya wife's side over ya children.... I could care less about them putting me out cause they done it before when I wouldn't put up with all that goes on in that house... It's only so much one can take before you just start to pull away... If you read my last blog then you know what Im talking about... Now Im temporarily staying with my sister and her kids, which I know she doesnt mind doing it but she has to worry about her own family more or less taking on two other people... My sister leaves for school in November so at least she will be doing what she wanted... hopefully by then I'll have a place of my own or something cause I really dont feel right being here when I know she has her own family to worry about and take care of... At least I try to buy our food and take off as much strain and pressure off her as I can by taking care of the two of us. but even that gets the best of me cause its so much that u cant give my sister, and me being a full-time student myself and not having a steady job is really hard on me... Yes, my little sister is 18 but she knows nothing about being on her own... I've done it already so Im good, I had just got myself to the point where I got myself kind of where I wanted to be and now this has knocked me all the way down back to square one... I know they say that God never gives you more than you can bare but I really dont think that I can deal with anything else... I've had so much pain, heartbreak, and everything one could possibly think of... I started questioning whether or not this is punishment or something or if God really loves me cause I've been going through hell for the past few years and everytime I seem to find a little relief nothing seems to workout... I'm just tired of it all and just want to throw in the towel but something inside just wont let me but honestly I truly feel as if there is just the slightest thing else that goes wrong I will literally break down and wont be able to get back up again..

My Release

I just need to release the thoughts that are in my mind, they are driving me crazy. Screaming to be let out. My world is upside down right now and I’m not sure if I can fix it. I put on a smile and go about my day as if nothing is wrong when deep down inside my world is tumbling down. Chaos surrounds me, people aren’t happy and I just hate to come back to this house. There is no love. Its amazing how there’s a house full of people and I can feel all alone. I’m secluded, withdrawn, and just unhappy. I retreat to my room and stay to myself. No one can be trusted; everything seems to come out all wrong. So much animosity and disgust. He hates her cause of the accusations, there is not really love. She hates him cause of what he’s done in the past and the fact that he cant be trusted. They hate me cause I’m not like them, I moved away to find myself and become a better person. I don’t argue and fight all the time like I used to. I don’t walk as angry as I used to be. I don’t hate anything but I strongly dislike the fact that there is so much animosity, disgust, distrust and all going on but yet in public they try to act like the perfect family but yet throw me under the bus to anyone. Yet because they don’t know me and they can only go by what you say then they think that it is true. Not once has anyone sat down and held a conversation with me about why I am the way I am here. So I turn to the alcohol to drown my problems not that I do it daily but when I do I just want to forget my problems and pretend that everything’s okay. That next morning when I come to a realization that I have to go back to my reality and everything is not okay I only sink deeper. School has been a major stress reliever for me but now that it’s over I don’t know what to do until the fall quarter starts. I don’t like being around the same people all the time because I know that they have their own problems. I have my own demons that I’m trying to work on and this façade that I put on is weighing my down. So what will be my release now? Writing, music, just getting away.. I don’t know but only time will tell… I sit and think of how happy I once was and how I would love to get back to the point but first I have to pull out of this mess. This place is bringing me down… I’m not myself when I’m here, its hard to be that surrounded by all of this. So amidst all the drama, hate and disgust how do I get back there in that happy place? I’m not this sad, closed off person that I used to be… I left her back in 07 but when I’m here she seems to creep back… I know that I only turn to my God when I feel like I cant go on, I know that he’s there and I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve been out of touch, I want that connection back with him and maybe just maybe I could start to pull my life back together again.

A thought

I miss him. The late night convos over the phone, IM, texts or whatever the case. Just seeing his texts when I first wake up in the morning. He was always there to listen whenever I needed to vent and just get some things off my chest. We talked about any and everything, it just felt good to have that someone of the opposite sex to talk to. Even though we had some datable topics at times and were on opposite sides of the spectrum, it was nice to have an intellectual conversation sometimes. More than anything I just miss our friendship. There was something more there but we knew that it couldn’t work being in the situation that we were in but when you can have someone who you could just talk to for hours about any and everything that’s when you know you found a good friend. He even helped me study, and Lord knows if I truly wanted to be honest that I needed that extra push. There were times when I just didn’t feel like doing it, but he was always there to give me that extra boost. Even though I would probably never admit it to him, lol. I miss my “Yankee,” lol insider. But now he is gone

Appreciating Black Love

Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago has a Married Couples Dance Ministry... When I saw this I got really happy cause this is something that doesnt happen every day... I love it and it just reminds me that there is true love out there and it can last check out the link

Some thoughts

It’s 4 in the morning and I’m wide awake. I sit and think about the events that have occurred over the past few days. I can’t believe it, well wait let me take that back… I can!! For some reason I always expect stuff like this to happen, its happened all my life, so why stop now. Even with everything that has happened up til this point in my life its still something inside of me that won’t let me stop to think that this is what I deserve. I know that I deserve better and one day I might just find that one who will be my everything and treat me how I should be treated and more. It’s funny cause when you think that you have someone like that and then they turn out to be so different. I wouldn’t say that they got to that point all on their own, but its easier to go along with what’s familiar and easier access than to go along with something that one would be uncertain about what would happen. I get that but when I get told one thing and then the next day it’s a whole different story that’s BS… I mean I cant be mad cause we weren’t dating just friends whose relationship seemed to grow somehow, but still it kind of hurts. If it were me in that situation (which I have been in) I don’t know what I would’ve done. I can understand not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings but either way someone is going to get hurt through the lies and deceit, so why not be upfront about it? I guess that’s what gets me… no one means to hurt anyone but they do it anyway cause they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings… I’d rather someone be straight up about it with me, so I would know where I stand and I could move the fuck on… But it’s life and it doesn’t work like that all the time, but imagine if it did. One day these blogs will be of more happier spirits… when I am in a good mood I don’t tend to  write as much as I do when I have a lot of things on my mind. I’m no longer confused, I chalked it up as a lost and have to keep it moving… who knows what will happen in the future, but while I’m making my way there, I will continue to work on myself and do what I have to do in order for me to be a better person all around.

SO CONFUSED

I thought that everything was cool… I mean we just called ourselves acquaintances. Yea the L word was said but if that was what you were feeling at the time who is to say that you were wrong… We were just talking, there were feelings there but we couldn’t actually see if anything was there. They lived up the coast and well me, I live in GA. I guess my views on things are a bit different from others. I’ve seen relationships ( if it ever got to that point) work from on two different coasts. It’s just the matter of time and effort one is willing to put in. Yes, I have to say that I’m a little hurt by this cause I actually cared for this person, but I guess things were moving to fast… I don't see how it was really moving that fast, we talked on the phone, text, and IMd every day but when you want to get to know someone that's what you do. Do you really have to meet someone in person to actually know them? I don't think physically seeing someone makes that big of a difference, if the feelings are already there then just being able to see that person makes the connection stronger. I guess me being a military spouse for a few years gave me a different perspective on a lot of things. Cause when you actually look at it you spend a lot of time apart from your spouse with all the training, deployments and everything how much do you really know about them? Not saying that its the same thing, its just this whole thing is confusing. I don’t know I can honestly say that i’ve had some really good things come out of long distance relationships so my opinion on if it can actually work or not is different. I just think that before one can say something about it, they should at least try it out. Not saying that long distance relationships are for everyone but I thought that maybe there would be more understanding or open mindedness. No pun intended when I say this *** one person’s opinion about what you’re doing in your life shouldn’t make you change your entire perspective.*** If that person made you happy whose to say that’s not right. If you couldn’t wait to talk to them or they were the last person you talked to before you went to bed, whose to say that ya’ll are moving to fast. For right now, it was all about getting to know each other. If you hit it off you just hit off. Now what if that coulda been someone that you coulda spent ya life with and you missed out on the opportunity. I dunno, everything happens for a reason.. I just wish that I could understand, I never will but its cool. I guess maybe I was hurt more than I thought, sorry for the rant. I just had to get this off of my chest. Now it’s time to clear my head!!!

Summer Love pt. 4

I was glad to be back home in the wonderful city of Atlanta, not only did I miss it but my sexy pecan tan was here. It felt like forever since I had last seen Kevin and I was dying to see him. On the drive up all I could think about was him. How much I couldn’t wait to be in his arms again. The way he looks at me with those bedroom eyes; that gorgeous smile; those lips, God knows how much I love them, and that New York accent drives me crazy. Its not just his looks, he is the sweetest person I’ve ever met. So kind and gentle yet possesses so much strength, intelligence, and power. After five hours I was exhausted and all I wanted was to cuddle up with man and go to sleep. My baby had a healthy sexual appetite and I knew that if I headed over to his place I wouldn’t be getting any sleep so to my apartment was where I headed.  Man, it felt so good to be home! I dropped my bags and headed straight for the shower. After showering it was time for me to relax but just as I was about to climb into my king sized bed there was a knock at my door.
“Kevin, what are you doing here,” I asked surprisingly.
“Well I knew that you would be tired and probably wouldn’t come to my place so I came to yours.”
“Babe, I’m really tired and need some sleep.”
“I know you do but I really wanted to see you tonight and I just couldn’t wait. All I want is to hold you in my arms until you fall asleep.”
“Aww babe, you are just so sweet. I knew there was a reason why I loved you so much.” I said running into his arms.
Being in his arms just felt so right, when I was there I felt so safe like nothing could ever harm me. There was a place that I always wanted to stay.  We cuddled up into my bed and began to watch Love Jones. Kevin knew how much I loved that movie so back when we first began dating  he bought it for me, its no telling how many times we’ve watched this movie. During the middle of the movie I must’ve dosed off because I woke up to a pitch black room, jazz playing from the IPod and there were those bedroom eyes staring right at me.
“Babe, what are you still doing up?”
“It’s not that late. You fell asleep during the movie so I turned it off so it wouldn’t disturb you. I went to work out, came back took a shower, and you were still sleeping. Did you know that you look so beautiful while you were sleeping,” he asked moving my hair from my face.
I couldn’t help but smile. I loved this man so much and Lord knows that I would never do anything to mess this up. Sometimes I just think about how I got so lucky, this man is everything a woman could ask for and then some. He treats me like his queen and there is nothing that he wouldn’t do for me that I wouldn’t do for him. When I was going through some tough times back in the day, I could always turn to him for support. He was there when no one else was and it was then that I knew that this was the one.
“Come on babe, let’s go to sleep,” I said snuggling up against his body “I love you Kevin.”
“I love  you too my mocha.” It was then that we let Ella carry us off into another world. As the morning sun peaked through my window, I was awaken by those luscious lips with a good morning kiss. For the rest of the summer I would be looking forward to waking up to that every morning, however waking up to it for the rest of my life would be even better.

Summer Love pt. 2

This is the summer that I want everything to be perfect! I haven’t spent a summer together with my boyfriend since we began dating as juniors in high school. We will be away from all of the distractions: professors, classes, coaches, football, teammates, and parents. Damn, how much I miss him!! It’s kind of hard with our schools being hours away from each other to spend quality time together. I haven’t seen him since we left for school this year. Even on the holidays it was difficult because neither of us were home at the same time.  Thanksgiving and Christmas he was playing in football championships and I was home getting ready to prepare for the up and coming track season after the break. During the season I always tried my best to make it to the games that I could when they weren’t always on the road but even that was limited cause all I could do was see his number running on and off the field. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that my baby’s doing what he loves, he was one of the best running backs in conference. You could see the number 5 everywhere at those games, but it does take a toll on our relationship.  That’s why I’m planning this surprise getaway for just the two of us. Kevin has never been to the beach, so I talked my godparents into letting us stay at their beach house on Little Saint Simons Island in Georgia.  It’s privately owned and stretches 10,000 feet and the best part is the only transportation is by a boat. I have a feeling that he’s gonna love it!

Link to pt. 3:

http://mayneevent23.blogspot.com/2010/07/summer-love-pt-3.html

Russia has a BLACK politician

Yes, people you read that right in NOVOZAVIDOVO, Russia the town has elected their first black politician!!

Read more here http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100725/ap_on_re_eu/eu_russia_black_politician

Congrats are in order!!

Lesbian Lovers pt. 3

That next morning I think everyone slept in late, which pushed back some of the activities. To my surprise that sorry ass boyfriend of mines still wasn’t back. Which was unusual because he always came back before light hit. I am getting sick and tired of this shit, I can’t take it  anymore I had had enough. I packed all of my things went down to the front desk and asked for another room. I was so happy when they had a few openings, I got as far away as I could possibly get from him. 2 floors up and all the way on the end so that I could admire the view. I was still kind of tired so my plan was to go to sleep. That was until my neighbor from across the hall decided to go get some ice. There I stood with the door open and luggage in my hand getting ready to go inside when I looked up and couldn’t believe my eyes.
“Heather,” I asked with a shocked look on my face.
There she was with a sports bra and balling shorts on going to get ice. As much time I spent with her last night I know her from anywhere.
“You missed me that much that you decided to get closer to me?”
“Huh,” I said with a confused look on my face, then I realized what she meant “oh no, he didn’t come back to the room last night. I’m so tired of his shit. I’m done, I went downstairs to ask for another room and here I am.”
“Ok, look this ain’t the place to have a conversation and plus I’m not fully dressed. So why don’t when I come back from getting ice, I come over to your room and we can talk.”
“Well, I have to shower and unpack so how about when I get done I come over to ya room.”
She looked a little uneasy for a second “Umm, I kind of have company so your room would be better.”
“Um, okay. Give me an hour.”
“Okay.”
    I don’t know why she was so uneasy about saying that she had company, it’s not like its any of my business who she’s sleeping with. Last night was just conversation and a little too much to drink. It was nothing more than that but it was fun. Twenty minutes later I had finally unpacked all of my things. What my boyfriend didn’t know was that I wasn’t leaving after the weekend was over, I planned on staying an extra week to have time for myself. It was finally time to take a shower, the hot water felt so good against my skin that I didn’t realize that I had stayed in longer than I anticipated until I heard banging on my room door. I hurried out the shower, grabbed the closest robe threw it on and answered the door. Apparently, the robe that I chose was the wrong one when I seen the expression on her face. That’s when I noticed that I grabbed the silk robe, the fabric had clung to my wet skin giving her a real show.
“Come in,” I said turning around “I stayed in longer than I anticipated so excuse me, I’ll just be a minute I have to rinse my hair.”
“Take your time,” she said with a grin on her face.
I rushed back into the shower to rinse my hair, she was a guest and leaving her in a room by herself was rude. Stepping out the shower patting my face dry I didn’t realize that she was there standing in my doorway.
“Damn, you scared me!”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“Why are you right there anyways? I said make yourself comfortable.”
“And I did, I was just admiring the view. I mean after all you were the one who forgot to close the door rushing to wash out your hair.”
I couldn’t help but laugh “Damn, you’re right. I thought that I did. Well do you mind stepping out so that I could get dressed?”
“What for? I’ve already seen ya body and personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing you like that for a while,” she said walking towards me.
I hurriedly walked past her trying to get to my clothes but she grabbed and turned me around.
“Look Hea…..”
She kissed me right in the middle of my sentence. All of the questions and doubts that I had all went away. It was something about the way she kissed me, it was so passionate, so tender, so caring like she knew what was running through my mind and wanted to erase every doubt that I had. The feelings and the desire in that kiss was something that I haven’t felt in awhile. What am I saying? I don’t like women, I love dick!! But this kiss, it’s something about it that just feels so right. The way she held me made me want to melt in her arms, I felt safe like nothing could hurt me. I didn’t know what would happen tonight or later on down the road but I do know that right now I wanted her in every way possible even if it was just for this moment.

Lesbian Lovers pt. 2

I was interrupted from my thoughts when I realized that everyone was staring at me. I thought for sure I had been busted staring at her, but it turns out that they had called me up there to represent the women from our club to accept the trophy for the sexiest women. I strutted up on the stage to accept the award. My body looked amazing I must say. Many thought my breasts were fake, but they are real just perky and I must say that it’s hard for a woman with D’s to pull that off  with a small waist leading to nice round hips. What they didn’t know was that I did every sport that anyone could think of growing up and now I took a pole dancing class and mixed martial arts to stay in shape. I stood well over six feet with those heels on, but  heels or no heels I was tall. I scanned the crowd and once again she caught my eye, but I couldn’t stare too long cause her lover was standing by her and mines was looking at me. After a few more pictures I headed to the club’s table to sit down the trophy and head to the floor with my girls. Motorcycle events are known for being very raunchy and this was no different. There was freaky dancing, people making out with groupies, and then you had the bold ones off in a dark corner somewhere having sex while they’re significant others were back at home. We all had a code, whatever happens at an event stays there, no one is allowed to bring the drama back home with us, the club is not responsible for their actions. My girls and I were out showing our asses on the dance floor, from reggae to R & B, to hip hop. We never left the floor. My favorite part of the nights were the dance contests, a lot of the ladies from the club including myself were from the islands, so we partied like we were still there. That night we gave everybody a show. We grinded on each other, other men and women, our members, even the DJ got in on the action. Throughout the night I would glance her way and find her looking at me with lust in her eyes. By the end of the night we were all feeling good and ready for whatever happened next. The party continued in one of the president’s suite upstairs.

There I was kind of laid back, I had a good buzz and horny as hell. But I couldn’t find my boyfriend for nothing in the world that’s when I figured that he had left with some groupie by now. I was ready to leave but had to stop to use the bathroom first. Before I even reached the bathroom, I could hear the moans coming from the other side of the door, so now I had to walk to find the bathroom on the floor. As I opened the door to go inside there she was about to come out, I gave her a quick smile and brushed right passed her before I pissed all over myself. As I went to dry my hands I looked up and there she was standing there waiting on me. We formally introduced ourselves, her name was Heather, kind of weird cause I would’ve thought that she would’ve changed it to something more masculine. Heather and I stayed in the bathroom for hours just talking about any and everything. Not once did we stop to think about what time it was or was anyone concern on our whereabouts. Hell, I don’t think that even noticed that we were gone. Just as the thought popped in my head it quickly vanished when here phone started to ring. The way she looked at it and rolled her eyes I could tell that it was her friend.

“Do you have to go?” I asked hoping she would say yes because the thoughts running through my head were very impure and I couldn’t think why I was having these thoughts about her.

“No, I don’t have to go. She’ll be alright.” 

“Her, is she the secretary from the club?” Why did I care? Why was I starting to feel jealous. I guess she picked up on my frustrations and started to laugh. I didn’t find anything funny about this.

“It’s okay to feel that way. I mean it’s only natural,” Heather said with a slight grin.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I lied.

“I mean we have been in this bathroom for hours just talking about any and everything. It’s okay to be jealous.”

“I’m not jealous. Look it’s getting late and we have to get up in a few hours for the fundraiser ride. So I guess I’ll see you there.”

“I hope so and I can’t wait to see you in a bikini.”

I hurried out of the bathroom and up to my room so that I could get some sleep. It was no surprise to me walking in my room to see my boyfriend not there, he probably fell asleep in some random girl’s bed. I’m so glad that he’s not here it will give me time to think. I took a long hot shower, oiled myself down, turned on my jazz and hoped in the bed. Before I knew it I was sleep.

Hair Update

Ok you guys, I know that I havent done an update on my hair and I promise that I will be doing more soon.. It's almost been a month since I announced that I was going natural. But I've actually been transitioning for 4 or 5 months before I actually said anything. So I guess I've been transitiong for almost six months now and I can say that I've really seen a difference. I wear a lot of braid and twist outs. Today, I cowashed my hair and let my hair dry and as I ran my hands through my head my new growth already began coiling up and I'm so excited. I trimmed my ends like last week and I'm so excited to see what is to come. The coiling is mostly in the back and some parts in the middle. I'm waiting to see how the front will turn out!! I will be getting braids or twists probably by the end of this month, so be looking for me updates!!

Lesbian Lovers Pt. 1

I met her during a ride to Jacksonville for  The Ladies Of Elegance first anniversary party. It was a big group so I didn’t notice her at first. It wasn’t until we were assigned to both be sergeant at arms and to make sure that no one was left behind that I finally paid attention to her. There she was on this gorgeous custom made Yamaha 1400 with a beautiful and sexy brown skinned beauty on her bike airbrushed naked. She had these piercing hazel eyes that kept staring at me. I was so fixated on the details of her artwork that I didn’t hear her tell me that we were getting ready to leave. For an hour and a half I watched as that naked lady sped in front of me, that was until a car thought that it could zip through our tight formation and ran me off the road. My baby, my custom made, one of a kind beauty was now lying beside me wrecked and I laid there trying to figure out what had just happened. In a split second I had lost focus and my life was almost ended. No one had really seen what just happen, their agenda was to get everybody there on time. It was then that I seen that naked brown skin beauty staring at me. We tied my bike down on the trailer behind us and there I was now riding on the naked beauty. Straddling the bike, I noticed that  I was right between her legs and chuckled at the coincidence.
For the next half hour my hands were wrapped tightly around the mysterious owner’s waist. I could feel their braided hair brushing up against my cheek. The wind brushed past us as if we were the only ones on the road. With each and every curve and turn our bodies were in sync as if we could anticipate the other’s move. It was if we were one. We arrived later than anticipated and the others had already left to go to join the festivities. By the time I had got settled into my room and laid out by the pool, the naked lady was gone. I had dozed off by the pool when I felt someone staring at me. I looked around and saw no one  so I shrugged it off. On my way back to my room, I was stopped by this tall white man with long brunette braids covered in tats and handed me the keys to my bike. I guess they saw the confused look on my face and started to explain but was interrupted by my club coming to my room to check up on me. I said thanks and headed to my room with a few of the girls to get ready for tonight’s events.
There we were the ladies of Chosen Ryderz with our sexy black romper suits, 4 inch heels, and the club’s patch on our arm, the men coordinated with their black dickie work suits with the club’s logo stitched in baby blue on the back. As they were introducing the clubs in attendance there stood the naked lady’s owner across the way staring at me. I stood there in shock he was a she, I couldn’t believe my eyes!! She was the vice-president of Perfect Ten and also a really close friend of the secretary. I could not believe my eyes, she had no feminine features what so ever, she didn’t even have to wear a bra because it looked as if she could fit into a training bra, that was until I heard her speak. Her voice was so soft, so sincere, so sexy. Wait, why was I thinking these things about her after all I was nowhere near single, my boyfriend was the president/co-founder of our club. On top of that I was STRAIGHT, but I couldn’t help the way she had me feeling. Maybe because she had stopped to help me when no one else didn’t. It’s no secret that a lot of females didn’t like me, I mean my boyfriend isn’t exactly the best at keeping his shit in his pants and I had just about had enough. He had already moved out the house before we came but no matter what we tried to keep it civil cause after all we had a club to keep running. It was something about her that I just couldn’t pin at this point. 

Open or Closed?

So a friend and I were talking a few minutes ago and it really got me thinking about how much do we actually know about our partners/significant others/ persons of interest. I mean if one is in a committed relationship and what not, shouldnt you know your partner in and out? Through and through... But looking at the people I know, no one is excluded from this, it seems as if some only show their partners one side of them. The side that they want to see, its like they do not fully know the person they married or are dating. But yet as I've observed those that are in open relationships they seem to be a lot more happy. I know many of ya'll are like open relationships? I dont wan't my partner having sex with other people. It's not really about having relations with other people. As someone I was talking to yesterday said that its the person being greedy and it's not that. It's being fully able to trust your partner, you know each others boundaries, you know them in and out there are no secrets between the two of you. If you two decide that you want to keep your sex life interesting and sleep with different people from time to time whose to say you can't do that. You're not cheating and most likely there are rules and limits to what you can and can not do. I don't see anything wrong with keeping your relationship fresh, you two don't set into a boring routine. If more people would educate themselves on open relationships and just stop being so closed minded then there would be far less cheating, lying, and not trusting your partner going on. I guess the way I was raised , the people I surround myself with, or just things that I've seen and learned taught me not to be so closed minded to certain things. I have more of an open mind than a lot of people. I tend to wanna see the positive side of things rather than be so negative. We only have one life, so let's not waste it being predictable and the you're left looking back wishing that you would've tried this or that.

Anger/Hurt/Happiness

Sometimes I wonder what happened to me? How did I end up this way? Im not necessarily bitter just more so angry. I didn’t realize how angry I was. So mad at all that has gone in my life. I havent caught a break since I was 14. My relationships havent been exactly good, I don’t really have them. I remember always being this shy girl which grew into my being a shy woman who never really opened up and expressed herself. I’m actually thankful for Terry, even though all the BS we’ve been through he’s helped me with that. I’m expressing myself a lot better and what I’m expressing seems like years of built up anger. Don’t get me wrong that’s not all that I’m expressing. Ok, lets take for example this person I’m talking to when I finally started talking more he said I thought you were this shy sweet girl but you’re not. I was once upon a time, it might be due to the fact that I’m not a girl anymore, I’m growing into my own lady. But I would like to get this anger out of me because I feel that its hindering me from doing a lot of things. I’m scared to love anyone, I’m scared to be vulnerable, I’m upset that I’m always the “friend.” I always help people get over there problems and get through whatever but yet no one actually sticks around for me. I’ve tried to figure that one out for many years. If I tell them about my past they got scared and that just made me slowly close back up. Then I started to think if people are only going to get scared or look at me differently when I tell them certain things then I would rather keep it to myself. Maybe I will end up by myself, who knows. As of right now, I just think that its best if I’m by myself. I’m tired of people stringing me along and getting my feelings involved when that’s not easy for me to do at all. I have to say probably a lot of the anger is geared towards to myself cause I keep allowing myself to get attached and catch feelings for people and the end result is me getting hurt. I’ll tell myself that no more until I get myself on track, but the compassionate and loving person inside of me always seems to come out. It’s a constant fight between me wanting to be the “bitch” to protect myself and that inner person who just cares so much and for some reason they always win. I have a this hard exterior so that people won’t get close but somehow some people do and it bothers me that I let them. I cant risk another heartache and after all that I been through I deserve someone whose gonna love me in and out. Who will understand and accept me for who I am. I guess I should say be IN love with me. Cause there is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with them. I guess you could say I’m a romantic, as much as I want to believe in fairy tales and happy endings I know that isn’t always the case. One day when GOD decides that its time I know that he will send me that one special person. Until that time, I will continue to better myself and focus on my relationship with GOD and myself.

Frustrated, I dont even know what Im feeling

I havent been to sleep and am filled with all types of emotions right now. After having a good conversation with someone early this morning, it would never fail that something would try to ruin my mood. So a couple of days I came to another friend's house to help them pack. Now considering the background us two have many people suggested that we just parted ways, but since things ended on such a good note we decided to be friends. Nothing wrong with that, you live and you learn and move on.I never saw anyone so damn selfish in my whole entire life!!!!! Ugh, just makes me wanna scream cause one he shouldnt be able to pull these emotions out of me and two he's just so damn SELFISH!!! That has played a major part in everything cause he never stops to think about how what he does effects the people closest to him and that wants to be there for him. Take for instance when he came up a while back on leave, we're all at his parents house now his parents is packing up their house so that they can remodel and his dad suffers from diabetes. Now he looks up to his dad a lot like to the point that he basically does a lot of what. This particular day when we were about to go out and spend time as a"family", his dad gets a call from his doctor saying that some kind of test came back and his levels were high and they wanted him to come in to make sure everything was okay. Now instead of making sure his dad was okay all he was concerened about was leaving and going whereever. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Something could be wrong and you're worried about getting something. When it comes to him he doesnt care who or what he hurts to get where he wants to be. Just like he messed up his dad's credit by letting a truck get reposed when his dad cosigned for it. I mean I could keep going but Id rather not. Just the shit he does. But anywho, he knew I was here, knew I was trying to help him out now he gets a call and leaves. Ok thats cool, but when ur ass stays gone all day when Im taking the time out of my vacation to help ya monkey ass out, I think not!! It's probably nothing but these nasty ass females that he's messing with. I mean really come on. Who the fuck is that inconsiderate? I mean I rather not get into the rest cause it just pisses me off but it gets worse. This is why I've become the way I am, because people want to take advantage of me being nice and trying to help them out. FUuckin assholes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going Natural

At What Cost

You can check out more videos at http://www.youtube.com/user/MzXzodik

Thoughts

I dont know where to start. I'm somewhere that feels like home, and I have to go back to a place that doesnt. People that Ive become close with over the past three years are HERE!! Why would I go back to a place where I feel unwanted and like Ive overstayed my welcome? When one part of my life seems to go right, the other part drifts further in the wrong direction. Its like polar opposites. Tired of the drama back in that place. I wanna be able to relax, go out sometimes and actually have fun. I wonder what would happen if some things happened differently in my life... I can only wonder and imagine what would've happened but in reality Im grateful for everything that has happened in my past because it has made me the strong, intelligent, and determined young lady that I am. I have learned how to back bounce fast and to fend for myself. Which may be a bad thing at times, because I tend to not let anyone help me even if I need it. I have a huge problem of opening up to others, but that has been something that I'm working on. It seems as if every relationship that I have ends up on bad terms, well not all but most. I was talking about this earlier with someone but men tend to see me as "one of the guys" and that can be a bad thing because that makes me undateable to most. Im just rambling on and on and this isnt even touching the surface of my thoughts. My mind is constantly in overdrive and its hard to put them down or say them all. I think Im going to the beach now to clear my head

What being focused will do for you

When I read this article and watched the video I couldnt help but be emotional. Jessica Herrera is an 18 yr old girl who recently graduated from Coral Gables Senior High School with a 5.5 GPA, 1270 SAT score and a free ride to Florida International University. So why was I emotional? Despite the fact that her parents were going to be deported back to Nicragua and she had to live in a homeless shelte rher senior year, she made it!! She will be the first in her family to graduate high school and go to college. To read more and watch the interview click on the link below



http://www.nbcmiami.com/news/local-beat/Homeless-Teen-To-Attend-College-for-Free-96182914.html?yhp=1

My Home

If you follow me on twitter, then you know that I came back to the Ft.Stewart/Savannah area. Just being here again made me feel like Im at home... Ever since I first moved down here I loved it!! This was my home for almost three years and now Im dreading going back to Athens... I dont even see Athens as my home anymore, once I moved that was it... Despite the fact that my family is there, it still doesnt feel like home. If it wasnt for some chain of events I wouldnt be there now. Once you experience living out on your own and doing whatever you never want to move back with your family. Granted it is giving me the chance to regroup and start fresh, but its still as if im living on my own. I provide for me, even with no job, Im still providing for me. Thats another thing Athens job pool is shitty, when I came back down here there were hiring signs everywhere and people still want me to come work for them. But for the moment, Im tired of moving and starting over with school. If I can stand it that long, I plan on staying in Athens to finish my core requirements and then transfer. Even though Ima Georgia girl through and through, I eventually want to make my Florida my home or at least a vacation spot for me. I just want a place that I can call home again and actually enjoy living there for a long period of time.

Young Artists For Haiti - Wavin' Flag

So I came across a blog tonight and there was this video that just blew me away. This is how a video should've been done after the destruction of Haiti. These Canadian artists did a terrific job!! Wyclef shouldve stepped his game up!!

I love this quote

I got this from my sister and I love it so much that I had to write about it.

Losin Someone U Love Doesn't Hurt At All. It's The Time Spent Alone, The Empty Spaces In Life That Were Filled W/ That Person's Love, The Phone Calls, The Names, The Desire To Love That Person When Their Love For U Is Gone. That's What Pierces Ur Heart. SN: Hold Onto It, U Only Have One, And Once It's Broken, Nothing Can Fix It.

My First Video

 I just uploaded my first youtube video, Im very excited about it, so click on the link and check it out and let me know what you think
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdfxzFvfh0Q

Just letting emotions go

I know that I said I was going to bed but after this one I will, but this has been on my mind for a while now and I have to get it off. For the past few weeks, he’s been on mind. Ever since I found out some stuff and were left with unanswered questions its been bothering the hell outta me. I don’t like being left in the dark. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always worried about him. Is he okay? How’s he being treated? Etc. etc Due to the fact that he’s incarcerated there’s not really much I can do. But I can’t help but to ask myself, what in the hell made him do that? How could you tell me one thing and be lying at the same time? I know its possible but its just something that I wasn’t expecting or anything. We weren’t dating because I mean you cant really date someone whose incarcerated and has been since we were 17. I mean we both couldn’t deny that ever since we met years ago that we were attracted to each other but we decided to keep it strictly on a friendship basis, well I did anyways due to the fact that you were what every girl in the damn city wanted almost, and being your friend I knew the type of person you were at the time. It wasn’t gonna happen. After all these years we still kept in touch even though it was limited. I mean I cant help but wonder what if. You were supposed to be in school right now playing ball on a scholarship somewhere. Every time I see your friends out they are always giving me updates on you, I don’t see why but I guess its cause you know I worry. Sometimes when I need that one person to go to for advice and I cant pick up the phone to call you, I get mad. Im so upset with you that you risked your life, wasted your talent and education all over some bull. I know I’ve told you that before but it hurts more than you know. I guess I could never understand, I know its not meant for me to understand. What I don’t understand now is why you would risk what we have, our friendship, over some stupid, petty shit that you couldn’t yourself have the decency to call and ask me about. Instead I hear it through a mutual acquaintance. Havent heard from you in almost a month and you know that pisses me off, but its on your terms and I cant do anything about it. I will never stop asking how you’re doing or praying for you. And I wish you the best once you get out this year. Hopefully our friendship can be reconciled but if I not I’ve told you my piece and I can deal with it. You will always be in my prayers friend.

Random thoughts

I was supposed to be going to sleep but I couldn’t so I lay in my bed listening to music. Then this thought popped in my head. It is something about this person that I just cant put my finger on. I mean maybe it’s just me and the people that I’ve dealt with in the past but he is nothing like that. I mean I don’t even know him like that, I would say at best right now we are acquaintances (I hardly ever call people my friends unless we been through some shit together) but he’s making me see things in a different light. I mean I have never been more perceptive of someone that I barely knew and its like I feel comfortable talking to him. Strange? Well for me it is. I have problems opening up to people, well I mean it’s not as bad as it used to be with help from a friend but it could be better. I know that I’m facing and dealing with a lot of my issues that I have and its making me a better person. I call it showing my softer side, but he calls it my passionate side. I used to be a lot more reserved growing up, well I was very shy… Im still shy but not as much. It feels as if a weight has been lifted somewhat… There are still many things that he or even the people close to me knows. I don’t think that Im ready to be that vulnerable again, at least not right now, that will have to come at a later time. Im just confused as to why I feel comfortable talking to certain people rather than the people that should know the most about me. If someone was to ask some members of my family questions that they should know, they would have the slightest idea, well maybe my little sister but it shouldn’t be like that. There are certain things that I have come to realize that will never or almost likely to not happen and that is one of them. Im just rambling on in with no specific direction to where this is going just to get these thoughts out of my head. I could be at this for months and probably still not get half the thoughts out my head. Due to the fact that my eyelids are getting heavy and I can barely seem to stay alert, Im going to get off and call it a night.

Love

I think that I have written something like this before but Im not quite sure. Anywho, I was reading a blog that my cousin wrote and was inspired to write this.

What is love? Now when I looked up love in the dictionary (Webster online) they had 9 definitions of what love is:
 1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love

2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : love affair
7 : the sexual embrace : copulation
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 capitalized Christian Science : god
— at love : holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis
— in love : inspired by affection

I guess no one really knows the definition of love.When I read some of these I was kind of puzzeled, and it just comes to show how loosley "love" can be used. I dont know about anyone else but saying that I love someone is not something that I take lightly. Some past events have played a big part in that, but when I say it I want it to mean something and not just because. When I love, I love hard. I put my all into it and expect it to be reciprocated. But it's just like she said, how do you know if one actually means it if they are saying it to? It's kind of hard for me to just believe it when they say it.. I look for it to be shown in actions. You can be so connected with someone and they still not feel the same way, I've learned that the hard way. But, I'm not letting my past keep me back, its in my past and thats where it will stay. However, it has taught me some valuable lessons, and I have taken what I've learned and applied it to my life.. I wish that I could find someone who I could  show that side of me to, but there is no rush cause I know that God will send them when he wants

LGBT Pride Month

On May 28,2010 President Barack Obama has officially done something that no other president has done before, well at least to my knowledge.. He has declared the month of June Lesiban, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month... This is a BIG step for our country!! Let's celebrate!! I love all of my gays that are in my life, my life wouldnt be as interesting without them!!



http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/presidential-proclamation-lesbian-gay-bisexual-and-transgender-pride-month

Unrest In Jamaica

Blog via ....I'm Leaving On a Jetplane...
I feel this completely, I cant fully understand the situation because Im Jamerican and wasn't raised there but I love how she is making others aware

POST WARNING!! Not pulling no fucking shots, so if you have a thin skin, stop reading now.

Undoubtedly, many of you have read about the unrest in Jamaica.
Some of you are wondering: "What is wrong with this country? Why are those people in that society so amoral? Why can't they get their shit together?".

Hey, I'm not offering up any excuses. Yes, Jamaica is fucked up right now. But it's not the entire society and it's not every Jamaican.



I stand tall and proud as a shining example of someone who grew up in that country. I am successful. So are my mother and sisters and friends. I'm not fucking amoral and I'm just as good as any of you out there. The funny thing is that I was successful before I came to Canada. However if I was still living in Jamaica, I would be lumped up into that society that people keep talking about like it's lost.


We're having some serious damn issues, but we're not fucking lost.


We need to sort out our business, but just let's get this shit straight: Some of you are compounding our problems.


Yes, I'm talking to YOU. You and the other fucking drug users in your country. Yeah, I'm fucking pissed at the Robert Downey Juniors and Whitney Houstons of the world. But that "you" includes YOU the marijuana user. Yeah, you don't play around with the hard stuff. You only smoke a joint now and again, but YOU are part of Jamaica's problem. And that includes YOU, fellow Canadian, who likes to pretend that all that fucking weed you buy is BC bud.


Getting back on track, please remember that:

1. Kingston and St. Andrew is the smallest parish of an island with FOURTEEN parishes, and most of violence is confined to a small portion of the island.


2. Not everyone in Jamaica is supportive of this drug kingpin or of drug dealing. Jamaica is an example of how the tyrannical few can exploit poverty and corrupt leadership to terrorize the many.


3. That bad area in your city that everyone avoids? You have a fucking Jamaica in your backyard. Figure out what's the problem down there and you know what Jamaica has to deal with.

4. Try to see the world beyond your own nose. You worry about what drugs do to your society? Worry about what the drug trade is doing to our global society. The drug war is lost right now because too many people are pretending that the eradication of the drug dealer (god curse his soul) is the only solution to the problem. We need to pull together, and when other countries play the victim in the drug war, well... You think the average Jamaican doesn't hate drugs and the drug trade? A gun battle is going on, but did you know that Jamaica does not manufacture guns and has some of the most restrictive gun (and marijuana/drug possession) laws around? Get your head out of your ass!

5. Jamaicans!! Fi real! We know how it got this bad, now how the fuck are we going to dig ourselves out? We have to sort this out because it's been going on for too long. Memba: Wi likkle but wi tallowa!

Be careful of how you judge an entire society based on the actions of a few. That shit is a revolving door.

Truthfully, though, I'm not meaning to lick out against many of you out there who are smart, critical-thinking folk. I just read a blog post that made me see red. But I guess that's what blogging is about. Everybody gets a say and that's all right with me.

I pray to god that Jamaica can sort out its shit. But in the meantime, sort out your shit.

Untitled

This was something that I wrote in Math class last week




Never though I could miss somebody so much as I do right now.

I remember all the late night convos we had.

No matter how bad of a day I was having, talking to you would cheer me right up.

You always kept a smile on my face.

Now, your actions have taken that all away.

I wonder why I still miss you?

Sometimes when I'm alone I think back on a conversation we had or

something you said and just smile.

You meant something to me and now because there a lot of unanswered questions

I'm left trying to fill a void.



To HIM

Enough Is Enough

This is a photo of a happy 7 year old girl named Aiyana Jones.




Aiyana Jones was recently killed by Detroit police when they raided her grandmother’s house using military tactics. The 7 year old was asleep on the couch. For more information click this link:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1989857,00.html

Menage A Trios

     It was my idea to do this since I knew it was a fantasy of yours and I was kind of curious but I didn't expect things to end like it did. I first mentioned it to you as your fantasy and you laughed and went along with me. What you didn't know was the I was serious about this. A well kept secret of mines for a while that only one other person knew about was that I was attracted to females. This was the perfect cover for me to explore this without it being "cheating." The second time I brought it up we were at dinner and you could tell that I was serious. Promising to discuss this more in depth at my place I left it alone and continued with dinner.
    You were so excited that we got doggy bags and headed back to my place. There were some concerns about who we would choose, where this would take place, and what were the limitations. We agreed that it would be at a neutral spot and that I would pick the girl. As far as limitations there were few: you could not pleasure her orally that was something that I considered sacred, we would do nothing that neither of us weren't comfortable with, and you wanted to see some type of female interaction. That one brought a huge smile to my face, you don't know just what you were getting yourself into.
    I chose someone who would keep this between the three of us, the one person who knew my deepest secret, a really close friend of mines, Leila. Of course she agreed, she was more than happy to give us that experience. Leila was more of a free spirit, loved who she loved, and didn't like to be labeled. She stood 5'3" and was as feisty as they came. I guess you could blame that on her Dominican side. A bi-racial doll is what she was. Dominican and black, nice petite fram which held a nice C cup, tiny waist, and 40" hips; and a nice brown bob that played on her gorgeous facial features.
     We decided on the Miami Internatinonal Hilton. It was going to happen in a few days and there was a lot to get done. Leila and I headed lingerie shopping to pick up something that would definitely knock you off your feet. After shopping we headed to get manis and pedis and then bikini waxes. The dau was finally here and I gave specific instructions for you to be there at 8 pm. I went ahead early to get the suite ready. I finished just in time to take a shower and to get ready. I had just finished dressing when Leila walked in the room. She smiled approvingly of my outfit. Eight o'clock came and you were right on time, you were shocked at the greeting that you received. Leila and I were standing in the doorway with the lingerie outfits we had bought earlier that week. She was wearing a red and black lace teddy, matching thong, and six inch black heels. I guess the surprise was more me than anything, I stood wearing a black leather corset that made my D cups look like they were about to spill out, crotch less panties, and my black thigh high boots. Walking in the room you were stunned at how much I had put into this. There was liquor stocked in the fridge, slow jams playing on the cd player, exotic flower petals on the floor, and the room was lit by candles. While I mixed you a glass of Rum and COke, Leila tried to make you feel more at ease by giving you a massage. After a couple of drinks and us laughing and making small talk we were finally ready.
      Leila had been eyeing me all night, so I figured why not start off with a little surprise to you. I pulled her towards me and started tonguing her down right there. Our hands were everywhere while you sat stunned. Damn, I never knew that I could be this turned on by her. Sensing my nervousness, Leila took over with ease. It started with kisses on neck and down towards my shoulds. Even something I wasn't expecting she used her mouth to untie my corset, seeing that my breasts were free she gently grabbed them and started sucking my nipples. I don't know if I was more aroused because I knew you were watching or due to the fact that this was something I actually enjoyed. She was so sensual, so damn nice ike she knew what I wanted and how to give it to me. Once I felt her mouth on my clit, I was through my body went into overdrive. I beckoned for you to come near. You immediately joined in picking up where she left off with my breasts. You sucked them as if you  were a newborm being nursed by their mother. I loved how you two were making me feel. One orgasm... two...three...and four. While my body was trying to regain its composure, you two went at it. Whenever I could take a peek I did, she was giving you head and just as I thought that I couldn't be anymore aroused you proved me wrong.
     I quickly joined going back and forth sucking your balls the licking and sucking on her. Somehow in the web I ended up eating her pussy. After she had came over and over I kissed you so that you could taste her. I guess that got you aroused even more because you flipped me on my back and just sexed me down. While you were sexing me, she was riding my face and kissing and licking on your body. To make sure you weren't leaving anyone out we switched. You bent her over into the missionary position and took her. We went at it like this until wee hours of the morning pleasing each other in every way that one could imagine. That night was so memorable that we all moved in together and frequently go off into our own world and enjoy our carnal pleasures.

My Pussy My Prerogative

Loved this so much that Ima share it with yall thanks to kant05

My Pu$$y-My Prerogative.... By Mary B. Morrison


My pu$$y

My prerogative



The last time I'd checked

My pu$$y was attached to me

Not some wanna be lover

Claiming my pu$$y

Was his pu$$y

And reciting the same line

To the other

Pu$$y in his face

After I cum

He's gone without a trace



You see this pu$$y

That's between my legs

Is attached to a head

With brains

That can drive a man insane



My pu$$y

My prerogative

To give

Or to keep

To remain celibate

To sale a bit

Or to creep

Or to freak



To snap

Or to rap

Around a man's head

In and out of bed



Unconditionally

My pu$$y is

My prerogative



Wanna taste

Wanna slide into first base

Second? Seconds?

Third? Thirds?

My pu$$y has the first and final words

On whether your d¡ch is worthy

Not

If your d¡ck is dirty

Your pockets are dry

You're a selfish lover

Your back hurts

You cum before my pu$$y gets wet

You leave right after your cum is dry

Don't ask me why

I refuse to let you fuck me

Just take your d¡ck

And let my pu$$y be

Free to choose

The right stroke

The right man

The right lover

The right d¡ck



Unconditionally

For as long as I live

It's my clit

My pearl

My pu$$y

My world

My prerogative



Cum correct

Or don't cum at all!

Pt.2

  Lunch time was vastly approaching and I was rushing to get ready. I needed to take a much needed nap before our next sex session was to occur. After getting the call that you were on your way I jumped into the shower and got caught in a world of my own.
   Steam fogging the mirrors, windows, and shower door; Adina Howard is singing about her Nasty Grind; hot water running over my body stopping tense muscles before they even begin. Lathering my body with the strawberries and cream whipped body wash I know that you love so much. As I go to rinse, I remember that the shower head is detachable. I let the water rinse me off allowing the water to linger in some areas longer than others. A urge suddenly comes over me and before I know it my hands are roaming my body trailing from my luscious Ds to my love triangle below. I attach the shower head back on the wall and allow my hands to have their way with my body. As the water starts to become cold,  my moans grow louder and that intense pleasure that I know oh so well is starting to build. I can feel it in my stomach, making its way down south, the walls of my love are starting to contract, the feeling is becoming unbearable and all I can think about is how much I want to feel you. I try to hold it in, the moans increase, after five more minutes I couldn't bear it any longer and my juices flow. I stay in another five minutes  trying to get my body under control so that I could be ready for you.
     Stepping out of the shower, I lotion my body and spray a little of Sex and the City's Lust on my body. When I open the door to the room I see you laying on the bed with a huge smile across your face. I asked how long have you been there and you say long enough to hear me get started without you. I start to blush and apologize. You say that you don't have to go back to work and now a smile is on my face. Going to the closet I reach on the top shelf and to the left and pull out the box that holds some of our favorite XXX movies. I pick out one starring Jada Fire, one of our favorite porn stars, and put it in the DVD player. We sit side by side watching the movie trying to see who is going to give in first. To no surprise, I am the one that gives in. Its just something about it that turns me on, I cant help but get excited. You get excited watching me explore my body and decides that my hands have had all the that they can. Your tongue feels so good on her, she loves when you dive into her cove. I squirm trying to get away  but your hands are around my thighs pulling me right back down on to your tongue. I tell you that you're having too much fun and that I wanna taste you too. 69 is where we end up, me sucking you and you eating me. It's such a wonderful thing. After an intense session of foreplay one on one it's time for sex. Taking me by the hand, I follow you into the kitchen. What a surprise when you laid me onto the counter top. I remember you rushing to the refrigerator and pulling out fruit, whip cream, and chocolate syrup. Before I could even ask what you were about to do the coldness of the syrup being poured on my body startles me. Then you strategically placed the fruit on my body, next came the whip cream. The way you ate the fruit off of me was an instant arousal. Before you were half way through I had already came something fierce. That didn't bother you any, you just kept on going, by the time you were done I was working on my third orgasm. Just as I thought I couldn't take anymore, you lifted me in mid air and onto your dick. I never had anyone who paid attention to my body the way that you did. You maneuvered so that you could hit it from every angle possible. An hour later we were finished and somehow we ended up on the sofa in the living room. We headed to the shower to wash off and give ourselves a much needed break.

My Black is Beautiful

My Black is beautiful

We come from a long line of strong people

We once ruled the land as Kings and Queens

taken from our world we were forced to be slaves.

It was here, in America, where they said that our dark skin,

full figures, and kinky hair was unattractive.

They were wrong.

We are unique people.

We range in color from light skin to as dark as they come.

Our hair ranges from the finer to the kinkiest.

We are still beautiful.

If we are so unattractive, why do they tan to be our color?

Why do they inject their bodies with God knows what to have our curves?

Our dark skin is not to be devalued.

Hold your head up high and embrace you smooth dark skin and curvaceous bodies.

For you are descendetns of kings and queens.

We are powerful beyond measures and smarter than most.

We are BLACK, we are BEAUTIFUL.

Colorism in 2010

 So even today our children are still being biased towards the color of ones skin. Colorism is just as bad as racism, when will it end? When will we teach our brown skinned children that they are beautiful and just because some are lighter doesn't mean they're better. Check this story out:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/05/13/doll.study/?hpt=C1

Exercise

This was a creative writing exercise given to me by a close friend...

As I open the door to your box, I can feel the cold before I grab you. Dry and hard you are at first, but as you adjust to the warmth of my hand you start to drip. The cold sensation numbs my palm and you just keep on dripping. Wet and slippery is what you're becoming while you decrease in size. Your wetness slips through my fingers. As I hold you tighter your coldness is numbing, the wetter you get the smaller you become until I open my hand and you're just a puddle of water

Pt.1

I'm trying to decide if I should make this series. Let me know what ya'll think

How can I describe this feeling that I feel? It's insane!! I can close my eyes and picture it like it was yesterday. Earlier that day I had caught the bus to come down your way, that was our plan. Ten hours later, I step off the bus and my face lights up when I see your car. Walking towards you, I can see that beautiful smile I  love so much go across your face. We made small talk on that 40 minute drive back to your house, knowing and anticipating what would happen when we got there. Pulling up in the driveway and seeing that house was a relief. I was tired of riding. You carried my bags into the house and into your room. I headed straight to the bathroom to take a long hot shower to wash that bus ride off. I opened the bathroom door to see candles lit all over the room and soft music playing in the background. You pulled me down to the bed and told me to lay on my stomach. A cold liquid hits my back, your hands start to roam up and down my back familiarizing yourself with that oh so familiar territory. Ligh moans escaping from my mouth, felt like I was in heaven. That was one of the best massages you had ever given. Trying to sneak a feel for my butt as we changed positions. It was now your time except I had something a little bit different in my mind. I walked into the kitchen and came back with a cup of ice. I gently rubbed the ice onto your body leaving trails of water everywhere. Without any warning, my tongue was slowly trailing the paths of water left behind. I could feel you begin to squirm, a smirk came across my face as I knew that this was just the beginning. You should've seen the look on your face when you seen me pop those Altoids in my mouth. Just before they dissolve, my mouth touched the tip of yorur penis and I could already tell that this would be a night that neither of us would forget. The heat from the altoids mixed with the minty feel of the mouthwash, had you about to lose your mind. No matter how much you squirmed, squealed, and tried to push me away I would not budge. I was enjoying bringing you this intense pleasure, while between my legs became moist as I continued on. That night was the first that I ever swallowed, and your first time ever being swallowed. That experience brought us so much closer... From that moment on something magical happened. We made love, fucked, and everything in between until you had to go to work that morning. You said you didn't mind being tired for that and told me to be ready on your lunch break.

Orgasmic

Lights dimmed, candles lit, soft jazz coming from the speakers, rose petals on the floor leading to the bedroom, and a warm bubble bath waiting. As I begin removing my clothes, I know that you're watching I can feel your presence. My love becomes aroused. I slowly strut to the bath, giving you a little something special. Warmth. Slowly, I lose myself. You're getting closer, your scent is stronger. I always loved that cologne you wear. Seems like it was made especially for you. I feel your hand go under for the sponge. My love becomes a little wetter. You take your time making sure not to miss a inch of my body. I can feel her becoming impatient. Yet, you dont budge. You wash my hair with the sweet scent of peaches and cream. As you begin to rinse my hair, I feel her began to throb. Lord, I dont know how much more of this I can take. Im being lifted out the tub. I can barely stand as you start to rub me down with oil. Lord, help me!! I cant take it anymore I try to pull you up but you dont budge. You feel the heat she's releasing and decides its time to take charge. RIght then I feel the wetness of your mouth as you kiss and caress her. I finally found a towel rack to try to help regain my balance. To no avail, it fails. You show no mercy, plunging your tongue deep inside. The grip tightens on your head. Deeper. Left leg wraps around your shoulder. Deeper. Right leg. Suspended in mid air. Licking and sucking as if you wouldnt get another chance. Shivers. Lick. Shivers intensify. Suck. Body tenses. Face deep. Shaking out of control. Deeper. Legs tightens. Moans. Deepers. Screams cna be heard down the hall. You dont come up until my grip loosens. Lick. Shivers. YOu look at me. My eyes open. You smile, cum all over ur face. As my body tries to recover I smile. Then I awake to find you not there. I smile as I lie back down knowing what Im in for when you come back home

So Fellatio(swallowing) helps prevent breast cancer?

In this study if done in moderation(1-2x wk) swallowing semen helps prevent breast cancer. If it does, would you do it why or why not? Let me know what you think

http://www.tatom.org/documents/CNN.com-StudyNewstudyshows.htm

Our Young Black Men

The application of knowledge is power.

Newsworthy, but have we heard about it on the news???? Nope, because it is just too positive.
Happy News Charter school in tough neighborhood gets all its seniors into college

Urban Prep Academy senior Keith Greer, along with his classmates, celebrates the news they will receive a free prom in Chicago because 100 percent of the graduating class was accepted into 4-year colleges or universities. (Tribune photo by Heather Charles / March 5, 2010)

The entire senior class at Chicago 's only public all-male, all-African-American high school has been accepted to four-year colleges. At last count, the 107 seniors had earned spots at 72 schools across the nation.

Mayor Richard Daley and Chicago Public Schools chief Ron Huberman surprised students at an all-school assembly at Urban Prep Academy for Young Men in Englewood this morning to congratulate them. It's the first graduating class at Urban Prep since it opened its doors in 2006.

Huberman applauded the seniors for making CPS shine.

"All of you in the senior class have shown that what matters is perseverance, what matters is focus, what matters is having a dream and following that dream," Huberman said.

The school enforces a strict uniform of black blazers, khaki pants and red ties -- with one exception. After a student receives the news he was accepted into college, he swaps his red tie for a red and gold one at an assembly. The last 13 students received their college ties today, to thunderous applause. Ask Rayvaughn Hines what college he was accepted to and he'll answer with a question. "Do you want me to name them all?"

For the 18-year-old from Back of the Yards, college was merely a concept--never a goal--growing up. Even within the last three years, he questioned if school, let alone college, was for him. Now, the senior is headed to the prestigious Morehouse College in Atlanta, Ga. next fall. Hines remembers the moment he put on his red and gold tie. "I wanted to take my time because I was just so proud of myself," he said. "I wanted everyone to see me put it on."

The achievement might not merit a mayoral visit at one of the city's elite, selective enrollment high schools. But Urban Prep, a charter school that enrolls using a lottery in one of the city's more troubled neighborhoods, faced difficult odds. Only 4 percent of this year's senior class read at grade level as freshmen, according to Tim King, the school's CEO.

"I never had a doubt that we would achieve this goal," King said. "Every single person we hired knew from the day one that this is what we do: We get our kids into college." College is omnipresent at the school. Before the students begin their freshman year, they take a field trip to Northwestern University. Every student is assigned a college counselor the day he steps foot in the school. The school offers an extended day--170,000 more minutes over four years compared to its counterparts across the city--and more than double the number of English credits usually needed to graduate. Even the school's voicemail has a student declaring "I am college bound" before it asks callers to dial an extension.

Normally, it takes senior Jerry Hinds two buses and 45 minutes to get home from school. On Dec. 11, the day University of Illinois at Champaign- Urbana was to post his admission decisions online at 5 p.m., he asked a friend to drive him home. He went into his bedroom, told his well-wishing mother this was something he had to do alone, closed the door and logged in.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" he remembers screaming. His mother, who didn't dare stray far, burst in and began crying.
That night he made more than 30 phone calls, at times shouting "I got in" on his cell phone and home phone at the same time. "We're breaking barriers," he said. "And that feels great."



deldeib@tribune.com

Copyright © 2010, Chicago Tribune

My Hair Care Products

Ok, so I washed my hair on Feb. 4 and these are the products I've used:

Shampoo: V05 Herbal Escapes Strengthening Shampoo

DC: Creme Of Nature Moisture Active Deep Conditioning Treatment

Leave- In: Creme Of Nature Lemongrass and Rosemary Creme Conditioner

Moisturizer: BB Max. Strength Hair Lotion w/ Castor Oil and Aloe

Sealant: Africa's Best Ultimate Herbal Oil

I'm Looking for a better shampoo, moisturizer and sealant

The Old VS. New ME

Okay, so  ever since I came back I've been getting comments and smirks and replies just about everything... For some reason I can't seem why people care to think about things that don't even really matter anymore. If I'm not worried about it then they shouldnt be either, right?

Issue #1: Some people just cant get over the fact that Im not the tall thin girl that I used to be.. I'm tired of having to explain myself everytime somebody asks bout that... Well, in case u haven't noticed it has been 2 or 3 years since you last seen me? I don't give a fuck what you think about me. So, what I gained weight, I can lose it just like I gained it. I know that Im not in the best shape but guess what that doesnt bother me, Im still hot, still sexy and Im gonna be me regardless of what anyone else has to say bout it.. No one is excluded from this even my own family, yea you may say it as a joke but it's not cute... How can you expect someone to be the same as they were 3 years ago? If they're the same then they haven't growed... Life happens, I can admit that I need to tone some areas but that's my problem not yours, get over it.

#2: "What happened? You used to be so quiet, I never knew you had an attitude like this." No, it's not an attitude! I'm just speaking what's on my mind for once. Ever since I can remember, I've kept things in... I was the nice one, always did for others and was considerate of others feelings. Don't get me wrong, Im still nice and considerate but now I voice my opinions. I tell the truth and if you dont like it then too bad.. I learned over the past few years just how much holding things in were actually hurting me.. I have a ways to go but it's getting better. I'm not afraid to let someone know how I feel about certain things... You may call it an attitude, I call it being me. I learned that the truth may hurt but it can also hurt by not letting others know. It hurts you as well cause its just added stress, let it go...

#3: The whole "What happened I thought you were married" spill. Now, although this is still a somewhat sensitive topic for me it needs to be said. Everytime I see you in public, you don't have to keep asking me what happened cause you're not going to know, it's none of your business. I'm tired of people telling me how sorry they are to hear about my divorce, NO YOU'RE NOT, stop lying!! Wait, matter of fact how did you hear about it? Man, I tell you people and this damn gossiping.. No telling what you heard along with it but who cares.. Just like whenever you see us together you have this shocked looks on your face, why? LMAO, people really trip me out with this. "I thought ya'll are divorced, why ya'll still hanging out?" LOL, NEWSFLASH: EVERYONE THAT GETS DIVORCED DOESN'T HATE EACH OTHER!!! We're still friends, close friends at that, and for those that say its not possible, it is.. We started off as friends, why cant we be friends now? Who cares about a piece of paper? That shouldnt stop us from hanging out... I just dont understand

People are still looking for this same girl that they knew in school, and to be honest not many off of them knew the REAL ME then either. I grew up, I've matured, I've been through things, had rough times just like any other person but I've learned from them. I have no regrets about nothing that I've done. I wish that people would stop looking in the past because they're going to miss out on the wonderful person that I am now. The New and Improved Jiovani is here and she isn't going anywhere. I love who I am and thats all that matters!!

My beginning

Ok so I started my hair journey today. I took out my glue ins... Thoroughly washed my hair with V05 strengthen shampoo, then deep conditioned my hair with a mixture of Silk Elements Moisturizing Conditioner and Organics by Africa's Best Hair Mayonnaise. I let it sit on there fot 30 minutes with a heated conditioning cap on. Then I washed it out, and put Creme of Nature's Lemongrass & Rosemary Leave-In Creme Conditioner, Aphogee's mousse and foam wrap to protect my hair against the heat when I blow dryed it and here's the ending result.. My start of my challenge

My Hair Journey

Okay, this is my first blog for the new year and I'm so excited about this!!! For awhile now I've been thinkin about transitioning into natural hair... I don't know if I'm ready for that so I'm taking a smaller step and documenting my journey for healthy hair. A friend recommended this website to me and boy do I love it!! They have all kind of hair, beauty and anything possible advice here it is www.hairlista.com I've decided to take a challenge. So for a year starting today I'm wearing nothing but braids, kinky twists, and sew-ins... Of course, I will be documenting my journey on here as well as there... I can't wait to see how much my hair will have grown during this process... For more info here is the website: http://www.hairlista.com/group/weavesbraidschallenge2010
Buckle ya seat belts cause this will be one hell of a ride