2nd Anniversary

Ok so today Im very emotional, I dont know what to do or how to control. Today is the day that I have been married for two years. No, its not all congratulations or noting like that because probbaly for the past 4 or 5 months we've been seperated. Im in Athens and he's down there. I dont know how to feel at this point because everything is at a stand still with us. One part of me is happy and wants that romantic part but the other half is just like fuck it, its another day... We're still in communication and recently both of us had it on our minds... IM just very overwhelmed at this point that I cant even think straight.. I just one of two things to happen, either we reconcile and continue putting forth the effort to keep this marriage going or we end it. Now, Im not one to believe in divorces but I cant do this any longer... I need someone who is going to be there for me through it all and give me the time, love, and energy that I need... Not saying that he hasnt been there because he has even with us being seperated he's been there. I just cant do this.. knowing that I have a husband 4 hours away and I cant even see him when I want.. It was different when he was deployed that I can deal with but dammit he's stateside and I cant even do that. I want someone that I can wake up to every morning, who will love me unconditionally, always have my back, who understands and knows where Im coming from... I want to be able to cook and clean for him, have little romantic nights planned, just to cuddle up on the sofa and watch movies or read a book or something... I cant do that, I miss talking to him at nights in the bed, I just miss everything that we used to do... Am I wrong for wanting these things? I dont think that its too much to ask, I just want that commitment to one another and to know that we will be together forever, for however long forever may be.

My heart stops and my breathing quickens
I look down to see my hands shaking
water falls from my eyes and my vision is blurred
the words heard are forsaken
the words are there...
but my voice is hidden

Come on you can do it just say it
millons of thoughts form in my head
and still nothing is said
anxiety, fear, heart broken
my breaths become shorter
its becoming harder for me to breathe

I hear you say "put your head between your legs"
I do..... still nothing
"Now take deep breaths"
I do.... calmness starts to come
slow, deep breaths
the water is still falling
my shakes have stopped
"Are you okay?"
nothing..... slow, deep breaths

My mouth forms to speaks
my voice is slowly returning
the water has stopped
mouth is dry
I reach for my glass
refreshing
the only thing I could say was "yes"

No Title

All I'm asking is for someone to be there for me not because they have to or when they find it convienent for them but because they want to. Yea, I fuck up sometimes but who doesn't? At least I can admit that I have flaws and not walk around like I'm perfect. I'm just hoping that I'm not wasting my time or emotions on someone that doesn't feel the same. I've had my heart broken many times but always seemed to give the next man a fair chance. Being accused of everything under the sun because some dumbass female hurt you in the past. My patience is there and I can tolerate going through hell and back but that doesn't mean that I like it. I'm tired of being there for people who obviously could give a damn about me. I'm always nice and in return gets shitted on in the end. Why cant I be the one who doesnt give a fuck? Why do I care what you think? Always tending to others before myself. Then when I do, I'm wrong and get doubted and called all kinds of names. why? Attitudes I can deal with but I would rather not choose to.

How could I care so much about a person and know that the feelings aren't returned? You can say what you want all day but you show something different. So tell me why should I put myself out there just to get rejected or hurt again? Im not going to, getting hurt is too painful. I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall for you, i was only kidding myself thinking that you felt the same. I should've known better, I allowed you to get close to me thinking that it was okay. Now once again I feel like a fool for allowing myself to be vulnerable with you. There is no one to blame except myself. Why I thought you were different? I have no clue, I should've allowed my guard to stay up.

To Love

Dear Love,

I am writing you this letter to ask you to please leave me alone. I know you're like this woman has gone mad. On the contrary my friend I have not gone mad, I'm just tired. I know you get a lot of requests asking that people find, I however dont want that. I truly want you to leave me alone for awhile. You see the result is always the same for me when I fall in love. Yes, it might just be the wrong guys or maybe even me. I cant take getting hurt again right now, so that's the best solution that I could think of.

However, I did think of one condition in which you could stay. My condition, well it's that you help me to fall in love with myself all over again. you see I've neglected myself for so long and now it's time to get reacquainted. I want to get to know me in ways that I never thought was possible. If you so happen to look at another person that way during my relationship then you're out the door. My relationship comes first, anyone else is out the question. That way if I let myself down I have no one to blame but myself.

Only when I think that I'm ready to fall in love with someone else will we amend our contract. I'm really looking forward to us working so closely together.

Sincerely,

Jiovani

Fed Up

Ok, so lately I've been dealing with a lot. I have a lot of shit on my mind and no one who quite understands even when they say that they do. I dont understand why people think that they can just take me for granted. Just because I dont talk a lot n quiet most of the times dont mean shit. Then they look at me stupid or like Im wrong when I blow up or finally had enough n speak my mind. I just dont fuckin understand it, if I was to start being selfish n only think about myself then I would be mean, an asshole, or my favorite a bitch.... If I have to go there I can be the most hateful bitch alive but thats not who I am, my momma raised me better than that.

Now, I have to start dealin with HIM actin a damn fool too. He just dont know Im bout to start fuckin people up.. If he gets on my bad side he can get treated like everyone else... I hate the fact that I like him so damn much... I mean it aint even posed to be like this, it wasnt posed to go this far. We were just posed to get each other over hard times n be there n just chill, but some how along the way we both caught feelings but let him tell it he likes me more than I like him. He just dont know, I try not to put my shit out there cause I know that being more than friends at this time is impossible... Hell, even now Im mad as hell at him but as soon as he looks at me n smile it all goes away n I hate that shit... Why do I have to be like this? Sometimes I just want to be mad at people n not let my emotions or feelings get the best of me.

There is a lot that I can go on and talk bout but I will be here all day. Hell I could turn the shit that I got to say into a series of books.... For some reason lately, I've been wanting a child... I mean I've always wanted one but I said that I dont want a baby daddy. The need to have one has gotten stronger than before... I look at others with their kids and long for the one that I lost... I've been having dreams of a faceless baby crying for their mom, then there was another one where I was holding a baby in my arms and it just vanished. I woke up screaming and crying. I dont know whats the meaning of it or why I have the urge to have one now but this is crazy, I dont know what to do... I refuse to have one with someone who I cant see dealing with for 18yrs or longer, preferably i would like to have a family but I know that now a days thats damn near impossible... Sometimes I wonder what if. What would have happened if I never lost that one, would we still be a happy family? Would I have been happier? I dont know maybe Im weird like that, I always say Im different than most... Who knows?

Alone

Why is that I feel so alone? In this house, town, country, world... all these people surrounding me n not one takes the time to get to know the real me, they may think they do but they dont... How is it that I can feel all alone no matter where I go or who I turn to, I feel as if Im the only one who knows what Im going through... No one is there to help me along the way.. God can do a lot but who am I posed to turn to for human interaction, I dont want to be fake.. My heart is achin n no one cares, Im a lost soul.... hopefully soon I will find a way n hopefully one day I wont feel alone

Just want to do this

I needed someone to talk to who would actually listen n talk back but since no one is available I just need to get this off my chest AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I strongly dislike people who get upset or mad at u over the smallest stuff and then hold it against u what kind of sense does that make... For the past couple of nights I've went to bed hornier than all hell and couldnt get shit cause some dumb ass wouldnt talk to me over the stupidest thing over... Now Im just in sexual overload and its only been a couple of nights.... ok Chal, I admit that I am a nymphomaniac... didnt think so until now, shit does that mean I need help?

Missin Her

Lately, I've been questioning a lot of things that have gone on in my life.. Why has this happened, why has that happened, should i, should i not? Those kind of things... N everytime I came up with something I would wish that my mom was here so I could talk to her and get her advice..

I have to admit that ever since she died I've been trying to find my way ever since... God took away my heart, friend, companion, adviser and everything when he took her away. I hate that she didnt get to me walk across the stage or actually met someone that I was really serious about. She didnt get the chance to see me go to college or even my 15th birthday.. Things like this I regret not being able to have her around... My mom was THE one I could talk to and depend on for being there. I miss her sooo much...

Every major life decision I always want to turn to her and ask her or just being able to pick up the phone whenever I need her. I see how close others are with their mom and I just have to turn my head cause I dont have that anymore. Dont get me wrong I love my stepmom but no one will be able to replace my mother. She was the one that has been there from day one and I feel cheated only having her around for 14 years. I know some dont even have theirs for that long but I feel that she was taken at such a critical point in my life where I needed her the most. Alot of the things that I had a passion for when she was living has died such as playing ball which was the main reasonI quit.. Sometimes I just sit and think about would she be proud of me now? Honestly I cant say that she would because I seen what she went through with men and I did the same thing with my ex-husband.. I've been slacking on my school and I think that she would be disappointed. She always talked about us getting a good education, dont get me wrong Im still going to get mines because thats a very important thing to me, I want to never have to depend on anyone else for nothing as long as Im alive. 

Soon as I come up with a good design I will get a tattoo in rememberance of her just never had anything that stood out to me.. I just miss her soo much being able to hold her, kiss her, n just talk to her... I love you mommy, you will always be in my heart and I will continue to live my life as u were here.. R.I.P 08.28.1961 - 01.23.2003

Food for thought: Marriage= piece of paper?

Ok, so I was just checkin my facebook and read a status that caught my eye.. It was asking is marriage just a piece of paper? Now I could go either way with this but even though I've been through what I have I would say no. There are different types of marriages that people can enter into.

According to Wikipedia "marriage is a social union or legal contract between individuals that create kinship." When people used to marry it was because that they were in love and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with the other individual. In some cases those are still the reasons why some people actually get married. They last because their love for one another and the bond that they have is strong enough to overcome all obstacles. In some cases there are arranged marriages but even still some tend to eventually fall in love with their spouse if they werent before. These are cases where marriage isnt just a piece of paper, its about the unity of two to become one in front of God and in some cases their friends and family. 

Now in the military there is a such thing called a contract marriage. In a contract marriage the two individuals get married for the extra income that a soldier gets when they are married or have children. The individuals in question are free to see whoever if that is what they choose and most likely they will. The spouses split the extra money and go about their business.

So to some it is just a piece of paper to floss around and say that they are or have been married. Then to others it is deeper than a piece of paper. It is promises that they have made to each other in front of God to be with each other through everything. It is held together with love and compassion. 

I havent came up with a name for this but I just need to get this off my chest. As some of u may know that for the weekend I came back to ft. stewart. Its cool and everything but now that I've been here u know I kind of get the feeling as if Im becoming a burden or that the person who came and got me wants me gone. Maybe it's just me cause of what i've been through lately and its changed the way I see people and certain situations. I cant really too much say anything about what they're doing cause its none of my business of who they talk to or do it with. But when Im ur guest and ur the one who wanted me to come down here n I dont feel wanted there is a big fuckin problem. 

Is it too hard to find that one person who u can share evrything with and who would want to be there for u no matter what it is? Not that Im looking cause my head is still fucked up from the last relationship but when it seems like everytime I get close to someone and confide in them about shit that relationship/friendship never works... Maybe its supposed to be like that... why do I feel like Im alone in this world? No matter how many people are on it or who Im around i still feel alone. I feel like Im just taking up space  sometimes cause no one seems to notice that Im here.... i can only hold so much in before it comes out one way or the other, without anyone that I can actually talk to and who will just listen Im overwhelmed with things. I can only give it over to God, but even that seems hard cause no matter how much I try it always seems to come back to me. I tend to think about a lot of things and I try and play out every scenario in my head and that is what is driving me crazy. I cant seem to let things go, im not one to express myself just openly... it takes a lot for me to open up. The only way that I can even remotely open up is to blog about it or write it down in a notebook I keep. I think that Im going insane!!

Life Update

Okay, I know it's been ages since I last blogged but a lot has been going on and I had the chance to actually blog but never did because I was so stressed. Im not as stressed as I used to be but it is still there.

Marriage is a wonderful things, it is full of ups and downs but having that one person who will always be there to help u through it and will always have ur back no matter what makes it worth while. That one person who u could tell everything to and the love that you have for each other is so apparent. I dont have that anymore I thought I did but it turned out not to be. Right now at this point in my life I dont ever want to get married again because the hurt and pain caused by someone who have given ur all to is undescribable. This marriage has been full of ups and downs but the good times always pulled through. Even going through the divorce process has been stressful. My husband and I are still friends and we are cool as hell, we still laugh and joke around just like we used and some people just dont seem to get why. They think that just cause we're getting a divorce we're supposed to be angry and at each other's throats all the time. I still go to his family's house and spend time with them, hell we even went out together all of us his parents, brother,him, my sister and I and had a ball. I love his family and they love me and no matter what happened between me and their son they chose to remain a part of my life and Im so greatful for that.

Since we are divorcing I have moved back to Athens to stay with my parents until I get back on my feet. Which there was a lot of heated discussion because I felt as if I was going backwards. I mean ever since I was little I wanted to get out of Athens and that was my goal. I have went away and came back and that's not what I wanted, not to live. For some Athens is a dream come true but for me my dreams and aspirations are much bigger. So for now I will be taking classes at Athens Tech(hopefully), find a job so I can save up money to continue doing what I need to do in my life. Going through this divorce has made me realize who I am and what I actually want in life. Even though we've had our arguments or whatever I love my parents. If it wasnt for them God knows where I would be right now.

Through all of this I can still hold my head up high. Cause I know that I tried and done my best by him and it just wasnt the right time for us. We made it further than alot of people thought we would. I wish him the best and Im going to continue to follow my dreams. For the people that have been there for me through this all I truly appreciate and love you guys even though I know some of u dont read these. For that one person I've cried my eyes out to, all the talks we have had, doing what u did even when u didnt have the money to do it and for the nights u held me in ur arms because that was what I needed the most, thanks a lot u are truly a good friend and Im glad that u came into my life at the point that I considered to be my lowest. Even though u don't think so, u are truly a special person and no matter what I will be thankful and appreciative of what u have done for me. 

I dont regret anything that has happened because it is a lesson learned and it was a life changing experience for me. It was great while it lasted but now it is time to push forward through all the adversity, stupid comments and rumors and to move on with my life. The best way to make people look like an ass is to do what I planned and it will speak for itself.  The comments,stories,lies, and whatever else people who absolutely know nothing about me say are just the fuel for my fire. For the person who told my step-mom there was a nasty blog about them why dont u run and tell this.

He's gone

I know that I havent blogged in awhile but unfortunately this isn't how I wanted to come back doing it. Earlier today I received news that Sean had passed this morning. Now for those of you who don't know the situation I've did a few blogs about him before. I don't know how to feel, I cried and cried my eyes out. I thought that I was wrong for crying cause of our situation with him being someone I talked to back in the day but I dont we remained friends til this day. He's always been someone who knew how to cheer me up. Ever since he's been in the hospital it's been hard not being able to pick up the phone and call him just to talk or whatever. Even though when shit down, we kind of picked up where we left off talking but not to that extent. He will be forever someone I miss dearly and will hold a special part in my life. I love you Sean and thanks for always being there when I needed you. I know that with you and my mom looking over me I will be okay. 

HELP

OK, so its been a minute since I've had a chance to write a blog. I wont say that I'm back but this has been nagging at me so I needed to get this off my chest. I met this guy and we're cool. I mean we just friends, getting to know each other and chillin with each other. I've been spending a lot of time with him, staying at his house and what not. We're in similar situations but besides that we have some things in common. He is very easy to talk to, he makes me laugh, etc. Now here comes the dilemma. I know a lot about him because he's not afraid to tell me things about him. When it comes to me, there are somethings that I want to say and get out but dont know how and Im scared. He says that its like a gap because he wants me to talk to him about whatever is on my mind. My problem is that I really want to open up and talk to him about shit, I mean I told him about my past me growin up and shit like that. But when it comes to expressin my feelings I cant do it, it gets so hard for me. This has been something that I've hated about myself for awhile because I cant express the way I want to and it aggravates the hell out of me. I've tried for so long to open up but it seems like the shit I've been through wont let me. Hell the last time I opened up to someone was to my ex-husband and look where that has got me. Alone, trying to find my way again, starting over, doubting and wondering about every man. Now, I know that as long as I can't express myself that it will be a problem in any relationship that I might have in the future. I want to get rid of this fear,phobia, problem or whatever it might be. But I dont know where to start, how do you begin? How do I get over this problem? 

My "Other" Family

I always knew that my mom was adopted but never knew why or who her actual birth parents are. So after my mom had passed I found that she actualyly found out who were birth parents were and we were all supposed to take a trip that summer to see them. My dad never knew this because her "aunt" had kept the information from him because they dont get along and she knew that I never would've found out. So needless to say now that I am on my own, I have been in contact with them, barely understand them but I keep in contact. LOL, I know you're like how you barely understand them? That's because her birth parents aren't actually American, her mom is Jamaican and her dad is Dominican Republican. Now, they knew about us and had pictures and everything. So, I finally got to talk to my grandmother again today and I asked what happened. Well, she came to America illegally but somehow obtained a work visa to stay around. At work she met my abuelo and they fell in love, she got pregnant, blah blah blah. Shortly after she had my mom her work visa expired and she had to go back to Jamaica but because my mom was born here she was a citizen... So in order for my mom to have a decent chance at life she put her up for adoption and went back to Jamaica. She later came back for her but she had already been adopted. So now back to the present, my grandmother still resides in Jamaica along with 3 of my aunts and 2 uncles. My abuelo is back in the DR, he has two other children with whom I cant communicate with cause their espanol and my espanol is two totally different things,lol. Soon hopefully in the summer my aunts and uncles and grandmother will travel to Flordia and I will finally get to meet them... YAY!!! Now, I understand why one of my friend's mother who is hispanic looked at me and told me that I wasn't fully black. I kind of looked at her like she was crazy but never understood why she said it. Ever since I been here no matter who came in contact with me, always asked what I was mixed with and I couldnt figure why everyone kept saying it. Something bout red undertones in my skin, my hair is too soft( I can go two months without a perm and no one would know), etc. It's just weird how people knew and I never did. Just thought I was 100% negro, so now Im 1/2 black, 1/4 Jamaican. and 1/4 Dominican I think.. Im not sure, help!!!

Unknown

I Knock
Silence
I knock again
and more silence
with no one to turn to
or nowhere to go
I wait
waiting for someone to come alone
the walls are closing in
it's getting harder to breath
air....... i need air
I scream for help
but nothing
I scream louder
and still nothing
It's then I realize
I'm alone.... all alone
the knocking stops
the screams cease
and all I hear is my heart beat
and shallow breathing
then I start to cry
hoping that at God will hear me

Good News

Hearing this news, just brightened my day. Okay, so remember when I said that they was going to pull the plug on Sean? Well, his aunt couldnt do it and thanks to her not doing it Sean is slowly but yet getting better. The doctors said that he still has a long way to go IF he does pull through. But somehow I know that God heard our prayers and will make a way. I've never given up on him, I prayed for him and will continue to do just that. I sent my love through his aunt. I know that he is fightin to pull through because of his family, his decision to change his life around, and a promise that we have made a while back. I ask that you guys continue to pray that he keeps pullin through and will be just fine.

This is why I dont have many female friends

Ok, so basically I dealt with drama for the last part of my weekend. It kind of started Friday when my friend wanted her soon to be ex husband to watch the kids this weekend, he's been back from deployment for probably a good two months so he didnt have a place to stay. He's been livin in hotels for the past few months, so he wanted to stay in the apartment that is in HIS name and that HE pays the rent for. She said okay at first and then changed her mind. They went back and forth for a minute. So finally she said yea n she was posed to stay at my house the whole week. Okay, cool u my homegirl I dont mind. So then Monday comes and shes nowhere to be found, she claims they tried to kick her out the apartment(which they werent) so I end up goin there to see whats goin on. Her ex's girl ends up comin over and since I have nothing against her, we started talking. Now some of yall may think that it was fucked up that I started talkin to the other chick. It was like I told her I dont know her n Im not a mean person naturally unless someone fucks with me and makes me mad(which takes alot) then I dont have nothin against them. So we talkin and she gets paranoid and thinks we talkin bout her, which we werent. The truth did come out ladies and gentlemen, come to find out she had been throwiin my name around during arguments with her ex, so needless to say he didnt like me n he didnt even know me. We started comparing stories and finds out that she's been lyin to the both of us. So the girl stays mad at me for a whole day, oooooooo Im scared,lol.. So this morning she called and said we needed to talk. Okay whatever come back. She apologized, I apologized and everything was cool. So we went to her house and chilled. Next thing I know she just ups and leave so now its me, her kids, n her mother in law for the time being. The girl comes back and says she has to go she cant stay here anymore my name is now on the lease. So me being the good friend that I am call her and tell her that they are kicking her out. By the time she gets there the chick is gone and her ex is there, I take the kids inside because they dont need to listen to their parents argue. So Im playin with the kids she gets her stuff n leaves. Her ex comes in and says that "Oh she said that you could walk home." HOLD THE FUCK UP BITCH, u came and got me out my house, brought me over, and then said I can walk home. What type of motherfuckin bullshit is that? So I end up getting a ride from her ex and his girl. We pull up to my place, the girl's boyfriend(who my husband let him keep his stuff there since he had no place to put it), my ex, and a couple of their friends were outside. Now this bitch is in her boyfriends ear sayin that I been tellin all they business and whatever. So he comes at me wrong and I immediately go the fuck off. She's lyin and because u fuckin her u believe that dumb ass shit that comes out her mouth even though it dont make any sense comin out of urs. Her pussy cant be that fuckin good!!! So me n him get into it and I yell where she can hear me through the phone that anytime she is motherfuckin ready to come c me. He walks off and gets into his friend's car( cause he dont have his own cause his wife takes all his money). Oooops that the twist, both are technically still married. Her n her ex divorce will be final soon but ur datin someone who is still married. Where does that lead u fuckin slut? So needless to say both of them are kicked out of my life and if I ever see her again she will get fucked up on sight. Thats why I dont hang around a lot of females cause they full of shit.

Close To Home

Okay, now Im looking at Illegal Tender and this movie reminds me of so much that is going on right now. Its about this drug dealer whose people turns on him and kills him when his wife is giving birth to his son. 20 years later, the man who ordered the hit seeks to kill his wife n sons. The boy seeks revenge because they wont stop coming until his family is dead. Now I know that I posted a blog earlier about Sean. Well this movie kind of hit close to home because I can see that this could be his son's future because the men who shot Sean will see his son as a threat. Sean was a well known gang member in Compton and if his son isnt brought up by the right people he could go down the same path that his father did. I know neither me nor his aunt could deal with that. We still cant believe that Sean is slipping away from us but his son would be just too much too bear. Hell, Sean dying is a lot to bear. It's a good movie but it just reminded me of what could be.

MY Breakthrough

Lately, I have been through a lot and I thought that my world was going to end plenty of times. But now I see that it will not. As of sometime this week, he has officially moved out. At first, I thought that I would be so miserable. I must admit that I miss having him cuddled up with me at night time, cooking together and just going out and doing things together. Also with him leaving comes the feeling that all the stress, tension, and grief I was causing myself has been lifted. Im not sayin that this is going to be easy at all. But knowing what I know and just having the support of my friends and some family is all I need. You guys is what have helped me so much and I must say thank you. I truly appreciate you guys being there for me.

Just because we have split and are getting a divorce doesnt mean that I hate him or anything of that sort. I am still in love with him and he knows that, but I have realized that it wasnt our time to be together and some of the things he have said makes complete sense. I understand him wanting to get out now because he knows that the way he is now, that all he would do is ending up hurting me in the end and it would possibly lead to me hating him. Which I hate no one but those were his words. We are still friends and I will still hang out and do whatever with him. We have a bond that no one can break. We have been through two deployments(even though I came in at the last few months of the first one), a miscarriage, people doubting us 100%. We made it to a year and some months. No marriage is perfect and every relationship has their problems and if you dont then ya'll need some serious help. I can admit that for awhile I hid my pain and heartbreak with a smile and laughs. There were those that witnessed my breakdowns and Lord knows that they werent pretty.

As of right now,Im feeling pretty good. I have accepted that it wasnt the right time but maybe another time, another place and it would be perfect. I can still remain his friend even though we have been through hell. True love never dies, whether we're lovers, soul mates, or friends. I have overcame many things in my life and this was just another stepping stone. It has only made me stronger than what I already was. I am looking forward to what the future has in store for me whether it be him or someone else. Terry, you will always have a special place in my heart and thanks for always being there.

A Prayer For Sean

Last night I received some devastating news. A very close and special friend of mine was shot a couple of weeks ago. He was shot three times, once in the chest, left side and in his leg. Of course, he is in very critical condition. He was put on a breathing machine and has had more than a couple of surgeries. I've been kept in the loop from the beginning because his family know what kind of relationship we had. Well he hasn't gotten in any better and within the last couple of days has gotten worse. If he doesn't make some type of improvement or pull through within the next 2 weeks his family is going to take him off the machine. I am praying along with his family that a miracle happens. He has a son to take care and he wanted to change his life around. God, I know that the type of life he was living out there in Compton wasn't a good one, but he wanted to leave that life behind and start a new out here away from it all. I just pray that he pulls through and no matter what Sean, I will always love you and have ya back.

Random

What am I to do? Stuck between a rock and a hard place. With nowhere to go and no one to turn to. My life has completely fallen apart and I'm struggling to put the pieces back together. I have never ever in my life felt so alone and unwanted. Ive had my share of problems in the past but none can compare to what I'M feeling now. My heart has been ripped out my chest, shredded and burned. How can I have put so much love, energy and time to someone who cant even return a quarter of it. I know that they say God will never give you something you cant bear. Well, I think that I'm at my lowest. Even though there are many who are there for me, the one who I wanted there the most has abandoned me. The pain, stress, anxiety, and depression is a concoction for an overdose. Who can handle this all at once? I'm skating on super thin ice and its beginning to break. No more nervous breakdowns or panic attacks. What do I do? Who can I turn to?

Bad News

I just found out some bad news about someone that Im really close to. After not talkin to him for a good minute, his cousin finally found out how to work his computer and finally tells me that he's been shot, he's doing okay, but he doesnt want me to worry. Now, how do you find out some news like that and not worry that doesnt make any sense. He is a very special person in my life and for him to say that was stupid because of what he does he knows I worry. I hope that he fully recovers because he has helped me through a lot of shit throughout my lifetime. S.W. I hope you get better soon!! Love ya

Deceived?

I know this is like the 3rd blog that I've done today but this is the only way that I can actually express my true feelings and not be judged. I've been married for a year two months and 10 days. December 3, 2007 is when my whole world changed. I married the love of my life and until this day he continues to hold the keys to my heart. BUT, there is a big but he doesn't want to be married. He said he was never ready to get married at that time but he chose to because of the situation I was in where my dad was trying to throw me out of the house. Because of the fact that he loved me and he didnt want to see me on the streets he married me. I dont know what to say, Im at a lost for words. But he only wants to divorce so he can have his own things and supposedly so he can become a better husband later on down the road, if that still happens. At this point and time, I dont know what to do or say anymore. After the divorce,I will be homeless. Yea, I go to school but I dont stay in the dorms and due to the fact that the main campus is like 30 minutes away from where I stay with no traffic is hard. I have to find a job get enough money saved up so I can at least attempt to find a place. My life has been very hard since my mom died. I thought I had truly found happiness with him,that we would grow old together and have a family. But life just keeps throwin major obstacles in my way, I wonder if it gets any better from here. I feel like just disappearing and maybe everyone would be happier without me in the way. I always put his needs before mines, never even thought twice about me. It seems as if all he ever do is think about himself. What do I do? Where do I go from here? My life is a mystery right now. What am I supposed to do? I just pray that I find the answer and the strength to keep on living

Remembering When

I remember the last words you said to me
not thinking the next day you'd be gone
"I love you and I'll always be here" was your last words.
It was like you knew the moment you rest your head,
you wouldn't wake from that bed
Now you're in heaven
a place you always talked about
even though we had our fights
I could always depend on you
to be at my games, ceremonies, activities, or whatever
you were always there
you were there when I was sick,
when I needed someone to talk to you were my rock, my foundation
Now that you're gone, life is one big blur
I dont know where to go or who to turn to
Please, come back to me and show me the way
until the time we meet again, you'll always
be MY BESTFRIEND!!

In Loving Memory of
Hilda L. Kay (Aug. 28, 1961-Jan. 25, 2003)

Questions

How is it that one would take so much when it comes down to the one they love? When do you say enough is enough? Where do you draw the line when they start doing shit they said they would never do? Women after women, late night phone call after late night phone call. How do you not stand to look back on your childhood and say damn, I watched this shit happened as I grew up. When do you realize that the same thing happened to the woman who carried you in her womb? How do you stop yourself from going down the same path? I sit here with a shit load of questions on my mind, wondering if they will even be answered. How can you love someone that much and its not mutual? When does it ever become right? How could this have been prevented? Was it my fault? Is it my fault? Am I that weak when it comes to him? Do I start to become the paranoid woman who always think her husband is doing something wrong? When will it ever stop? Why can't he see that I love him? How did I invest my all and get nothing in return? Will I become that bitter black woman? How do you determine if he is worth all the pain and the tears? How do I love someone so much and am getting nothing in return?