No Title

All I'm asking is for someone to be there for me not because they have to or when they find it convienent for them but because they want to. Yea, I fuck up sometimes but who doesn't? At least I can admit that I have flaws and not walk around like I'm perfect. I'm just hoping that I'm not wasting my time or emotions on someone that doesn't feel the same. I've had my heart broken many times but always seemed to give the next man a fair chance. Being accused of everything under the sun because some dumbass female hurt you in the past. My patience is there and I can tolerate going through hell and back but that doesn't mean that I like it. I'm tired of being there for people who obviously could give a damn about me. I'm always nice and in return gets shitted on in the end. Why cant I be the one who doesnt give a fuck? Why do I care what you think? Always tending to others before myself. Then when I do, I'm wrong and get doubted and called all kinds of names. why? Attitudes I can deal with but I would rather not choose to.

How could I care so much about a person and know that the feelings aren't returned? You can say what you want all day but you show something different. So tell me why should I put myself out there just to get rejected or hurt again? Im not going to, getting hurt is too painful. I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall for you, i was only kidding myself thinking that you felt the same. I should've known better, I allowed you to get close to me thinking that it was okay. Now once again I feel like a fool for allowing myself to be vulnerable with you. There is no one to blame except myself. Why I thought you were different? I have no clue, I should've allowed my guard to stay up.

To Love

Dear Love,

I am writing you this letter to ask you to please leave me alone. I know you're like this woman has gone mad. On the contrary my friend I have not gone mad, I'm just tired. I know you get a lot of requests asking that people find, I however dont want that. I truly want you to leave me alone for awhile. You see the result is always the same for me when I fall in love. Yes, it might just be the wrong guys or maybe even me. I cant take getting hurt again right now, so that's the best solution that I could think of.

However, I did think of one condition in which you could stay. My condition, well it's that you help me to fall in love with myself all over again. you see I've neglected myself for so long and now it's time to get reacquainted. I want to get to know me in ways that I never thought was possible. If you so happen to look at another person that way during my relationship then you're out the door. My relationship comes first, anyone else is out the question. That way if I let myself down I have no one to blame but myself.

Only when I think that I'm ready to fall in love with someone else will we amend our contract. I'm really looking forward to us working so closely together.

Sincerely,

Jiovani

Fed Up

Ok, so lately I've been dealing with a lot. I have a lot of shit on my mind and no one who quite understands even when they say that they do. I dont understand why people think that they can just take me for granted. Just because I dont talk a lot n quiet most of the times dont mean shit. Then they look at me stupid or like Im wrong when I blow up or finally had enough n speak my mind. I just dont fuckin understand it, if I was to start being selfish n only think about myself then I would be mean, an asshole, or my favorite a bitch.... If I have to go there I can be the most hateful bitch alive but thats not who I am, my momma raised me better than that.

Now, I have to start dealin with HIM actin a damn fool too. He just dont know Im bout to start fuckin people up.. If he gets on my bad side he can get treated like everyone else... I hate the fact that I like him so damn much... I mean it aint even posed to be like this, it wasnt posed to go this far. We were just posed to get each other over hard times n be there n just chill, but some how along the way we both caught feelings but let him tell it he likes me more than I like him. He just dont know, I try not to put my shit out there cause I know that being more than friends at this time is impossible... Hell, even now Im mad as hell at him but as soon as he looks at me n smile it all goes away n I hate that shit... Why do I have to be like this? Sometimes I just want to be mad at people n not let my emotions or feelings get the best of me.

There is a lot that I can go on and talk bout but I will be here all day. Hell I could turn the shit that I got to say into a series of books.... For some reason lately, I've been wanting a child... I mean I've always wanted one but I said that I dont want a baby daddy. The need to have one has gotten stronger than before... I look at others with their kids and long for the one that I lost... I've been having dreams of a faceless baby crying for their mom, then there was another one where I was holding a baby in my arms and it just vanished. I woke up screaming and crying. I dont know whats the meaning of it or why I have the urge to have one now but this is crazy, I dont know what to do... I refuse to have one with someone who I cant see dealing with for 18yrs or longer, preferably i would like to have a family but I know that now a days thats damn near impossible... Sometimes I wonder what if. What would have happened if I never lost that one, would we still be a happy family? Would I have been happier? I dont know maybe Im weird like that, I always say Im different than most... Who knows?