Frustrated, I dont even know what Im feeling

I havent been to sleep and am filled with all types of emotions right now. After having a good conversation with someone early this morning, it would never fail that something would try to ruin my mood. So a couple of days I came to another friend's house to help them pack. Now considering the background us two have many people suggested that we just parted ways, but since things ended on such a good note we decided to be friends. Nothing wrong with that, you live and you learn and move on.I never saw anyone so damn selfish in my whole entire life!!!!! Ugh, just makes me wanna scream cause one he shouldnt be able to pull these emotions out of me and two he's just so damn SELFISH!!! That has played a major part in everything cause he never stops to think about how what he does effects the people closest to him and that wants to be there for him. Take for instance when he came up a while back on leave, we're all at his parents house now his parents is packing up their house so that they can remodel and his dad suffers from diabetes. Now he looks up to his dad a lot like to the point that he basically does a lot of what. This particular day when we were about to go out and spend time as a"family", his dad gets a call from his doctor saying that some kind of test came back and his levels were high and they wanted him to come in to make sure everything was okay. Now instead of making sure his dad was okay all he was concerened about was leaving and going whereever. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Something could be wrong and you're worried about getting something. When it comes to him he doesnt care who or what he hurts to get where he wants to be. Just like he messed up his dad's credit by letting a truck get reposed when his dad cosigned for it. I mean I could keep going but Id rather not. Just the shit he does. But anywho, he knew I was here, knew I was trying to help him out now he gets a call and leaves. Ok thats cool, but when ur ass stays gone all day when Im taking the time out of my vacation to help ya monkey ass out, I think not!! It's probably nothing but these nasty ass females that he's messing with. I mean really come on. Who the fuck is that inconsiderate? I mean I rather not get into the rest cause it just pisses me off but it gets worse. This is why I've become the way I am, because people want to take advantage of me being nice and trying to help them out. FUuckin assholes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going Natural

At What Cost

You can check out more videos at http://www.youtube.com/user/MzXzodik

Thoughts

I dont know where to start. I'm somewhere that feels like home, and I have to go back to a place that doesnt. People that Ive become close with over the past three years are HERE!! Why would I go back to a place where I feel unwanted and like Ive overstayed my welcome? When one part of my life seems to go right, the other part drifts further in the wrong direction. Its like polar opposites. Tired of the drama back in that place. I wanna be able to relax, go out sometimes and actually have fun. I wonder what would happen if some things happened differently in my life... I can only wonder and imagine what would've happened but in reality Im grateful for everything that has happened in my past because it has made me the strong, intelligent, and determined young lady that I am. I have learned how to back bounce fast and to fend for myself. Which may be a bad thing at times, because I tend to not let anyone help me even if I need it. I have a huge problem of opening up to others, but that has been something that I'm working on. It seems as if every relationship that I have ends up on bad terms, well not all but most. I was talking about this earlier with someone but men tend to see me as "one of the guys" and that can be a bad thing because that makes me undateable to most. Im just rambling on and on and this isnt even touching the surface of my thoughts. My mind is constantly in overdrive and its hard to put them down or say them all. I think Im going to the beach now to clear my head

What being focused will do for you

When I read this article and watched the video I couldnt help but be emotional. Jessica Herrera is an 18 yr old girl who recently graduated from Coral Gables Senior High School with a 5.5 GPA, 1270 SAT score and a free ride to Florida International University. So why was I emotional? Despite the fact that her parents were going to be deported back to Nicragua and she had to live in a homeless shelte rher senior year, she made it!! She will be the first in her family to graduate high school and go to college. To read more and watch the interview click on the link below



http://www.nbcmiami.com/news/local-beat/Homeless-Teen-To-Attend-College-for-Free-96182914.html?yhp=1

My Home

If you follow me on twitter, then you know that I came back to the Ft.Stewart/Savannah area. Just being here again made me feel like Im at home... Ever since I first moved down here I loved it!! This was my home for almost three years and now Im dreading going back to Athens... I dont even see Athens as my home anymore, once I moved that was it... Despite the fact that my family is there, it still doesnt feel like home. If it wasnt for some chain of events I wouldnt be there now. Once you experience living out on your own and doing whatever you never want to move back with your family. Granted it is giving me the chance to regroup and start fresh, but its still as if im living on my own. I provide for me, even with no job, Im still providing for me. Thats another thing Athens job pool is shitty, when I came back down here there were hiring signs everywhere and people still want me to come work for them. But for the moment, Im tired of moving and starting over with school. If I can stand it that long, I plan on staying in Athens to finish my core requirements and then transfer. Even though Ima Georgia girl through and through, I eventually want to make my Florida my home or at least a vacation spot for me. I just want a place that I can call home again and actually enjoy living there for a long period of time.

Young Artists For Haiti - Wavin' Flag

So I came across a blog tonight and there was this video that just blew me away. This is how a video should've been done after the destruction of Haiti. These Canadian artists did a terrific job!! Wyclef shouldve stepped his game up!!

I love this quote

I got this from my sister and I love it so much that I had to write about it.

Losin Someone U Love Doesn't Hurt At All. It's The Time Spent Alone, The Empty Spaces In Life That Were Filled W/ That Person's Love, The Phone Calls, The Names, The Desire To Love That Person When Their Love For U Is Gone. That's What Pierces Ur Heart. SN: Hold Onto It, U Only Have One, And Once It's Broken, Nothing Can Fix It.

My First Video

 I just uploaded my first youtube video, Im very excited about it, so click on the link and check it out and let me know what you think
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdfxzFvfh0Q

Just letting emotions go

I know that I said I was going to bed but after this one I will, but this has been on my mind for a while now and I have to get it off. For the past few weeks, he’s been on mind. Ever since I found out some stuff and were left with unanswered questions its been bothering the hell outta me. I don’t like being left in the dark. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always worried about him. Is he okay? How’s he being treated? Etc. etc Due to the fact that he’s incarcerated there’s not really much I can do. But I can’t help but to ask myself, what in the hell made him do that? How could you tell me one thing and be lying at the same time? I know its possible but its just something that I wasn’t expecting or anything. We weren’t dating because I mean you cant really date someone whose incarcerated and has been since we were 17. I mean we both couldn’t deny that ever since we met years ago that we were attracted to each other but we decided to keep it strictly on a friendship basis, well I did anyways due to the fact that you were what every girl in the damn city wanted almost, and being your friend I knew the type of person you were at the time. It wasn’t gonna happen. After all these years we still kept in touch even though it was limited. I mean I cant help but wonder what if. You were supposed to be in school right now playing ball on a scholarship somewhere. Every time I see your friends out they are always giving me updates on you, I don’t see why but I guess its cause you know I worry. Sometimes when I need that one person to go to for advice and I cant pick up the phone to call you, I get mad. Im so upset with you that you risked your life, wasted your talent and education all over some bull. I know I’ve told you that before but it hurts more than you know. I guess I could never understand, I know its not meant for me to understand. What I don’t understand now is why you would risk what we have, our friendship, over some stupid, petty shit that you couldn’t yourself have the decency to call and ask me about. Instead I hear it through a mutual acquaintance. Havent heard from you in almost a month and you know that pisses me off, but its on your terms and I cant do anything about it. I will never stop asking how you’re doing or praying for you. And I wish you the best once you get out this year. Hopefully our friendship can be reconciled but if I not I’ve told you my piece and I can deal with it. You will always be in my prayers friend.

Random thoughts

I was supposed to be going to sleep but I couldn’t so I lay in my bed listening to music. Then this thought popped in my head. It is something about this person that I just cant put my finger on. I mean maybe it’s just me and the people that I’ve dealt with in the past but he is nothing like that. I mean I don’t even know him like that, I would say at best right now we are acquaintances (I hardly ever call people my friends unless we been through some shit together) but he’s making me see things in a different light. I mean I have never been more perceptive of someone that I barely knew and its like I feel comfortable talking to him. Strange? Well for me it is. I have problems opening up to people, well I mean it’s not as bad as it used to be with help from a friend but it could be better. I know that I’m facing and dealing with a lot of my issues that I have and its making me a better person. I call it showing my softer side, but he calls it my passionate side. I used to be a lot more reserved growing up, well I was very shy… Im still shy but not as much. It feels as if a weight has been lifted somewhat… There are still many things that he or even the people close to me knows. I don’t think that Im ready to be that vulnerable again, at least not right now, that will have to come at a later time. Im just confused as to why I feel comfortable talking to certain people rather than the people that should know the most about me. If someone was to ask some members of my family questions that they should know, they would have the slightest idea, well maybe my little sister but it shouldn’t be like that. There are certain things that I have come to realize that will never or almost likely to not happen and that is one of them. Im just rambling on in with no specific direction to where this is going just to get these thoughts out of my head. I could be at this for months and probably still not get half the thoughts out my head. Due to the fact that my eyelids are getting heavy and I can barely seem to stay alert, Im going to get off and call it a night.

Love

I think that I have written something like this before but Im not quite sure. Anywho, I was reading a blog that my cousin wrote and was inspired to write this.

What is love? Now when I looked up love in the dictionary (Webster online) they had 9 definitions of what love is:
 1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love

2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : love affair
7 : the sexual embrace : copulation
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 capitalized Christian Science : god
— at love : holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis
— in love : inspired by affection

I guess no one really knows the definition of love.When I read some of these I was kind of puzzeled, and it just comes to show how loosley "love" can be used. I dont know about anyone else but saying that I love someone is not something that I take lightly. Some past events have played a big part in that, but when I say it I want it to mean something and not just because. When I love, I love hard. I put my all into it and expect it to be reciprocated. But it's just like she said, how do you know if one actually means it if they are saying it to? It's kind of hard for me to just believe it when they say it.. I look for it to be shown in actions. You can be so connected with someone and they still not feel the same way, I've learned that the hard way. But, I'm not letting my past keep me back, its in my past and thats where it will stay. However, it has taught me some valuable lessons, and I have taken what I've learned and applied it to my life.. I wish that I could find someone who I could  show that side of me to, but there is no rush cause I know that God will send them when he wants

LGBT Pride Month

On May 28,2010 President Barack Obama has officially done something that no other president has done before, well at least to my knowledge.. He has declared the month of June Lesiban, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month... This is a BIG step for our country!! Let's celebrate!! I love all of my gays that are in my life, my life wouldnt be as interesting without them!!



http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/presidential-proclamation-lesbian-gay-bisexual-and-transgender-pride-month