A Prayer For Sean

Last night I received some devastating news. A very close and special friend of mine was shot a couple of weeks ago. He was shot three times, once in the chest, left side and in his leg. Of course, he is in very critical condition. He was put on a breathing machine and has had more than a couple of surgeries. I've been kept in the loop from the beginning because his family know what kind of relationship we had. Well he hasn't gotten in any better and within the last couple of days has gotten worse. If he doesn't make some type of improvement or pull through within the next 2 weeks his family is going to take him off the machine. I am praying along with his family that a miracle happens. He has a son to take care and he wanted to change his life around. God, I know that the type of life he was living out there in Compton wasn't a good one, but he wanted to leave that life behind and start a new out here away from it all. I just pray that he pulls through and no matter what Sean, I will always love you and have ya back.

Random

What am I to do? Stuck between a rock and a hard place. With nowhere to go and no one to turn to. My life has completely fallen apart and I'm struggling to put the pieces back together. I have never ever in my life felt so alone and unwanted. Ive had my share of problems in the past but none can compare to what I'M feeling now. My heart has been ripped out my chest, shredded and burned. How can I have put so much love, energy and time to someone who cant even return a quarter of it. I know that they say God will never give you something you cant bear. Well, I think that I'm at my lowest. Even though there are many who are there for me, the one who I wanted there the most has abandoned me. The pain, stress, anxiety, and depression is a concoction for an overdose. Who can handle this all at once? I'm skating on super thin ice and its beginning to break. No more nervous breakdowns or panic attacks. What do I do? Who can I turn to?

Bad News

I just found out some bad news about someone that Im really close to. After not talkin to him for a good minute, his cousin finally found out how to work his computer and finally tells me that he's been shot, he's doing okay, but he doesnt want me to worry. Now, how do you find out some news like that and not worry that doesnt make any sense. He is a very special person in my life and for him to say that was stupid because of what he does he knows I worry. I hope that he fully recovers because he has helped me through a lot of shit throughout my lifetime. S.W. I hope you get better soon!! Love ya

Deceived?

I know this is like the 3rd blog that I've done today but this is the only way that I can actually express my true feelings and not be judged. I've been married for a year two months and 10 days. December 3, 2007 is when my whole world changed. I married the love of my life and until this day he continues to hold the keys to my heart. BUT, there is a big but he doesn't want to be married. He said he was never ready to get married at that time but he chose to because of the situation I was in where my dad was trying to throw me out of the house. Because of the fact that he loved me and he didnt want to see me on the streets he married me. I dont know what to say, Im at a lost for words. But he only wants to divorce so he can have his own things and supposedly so he can become a better husband later on down the road, if that still happens. At this point and time, I dont know what to do or say anymore. After the divorce,I will be homeless. Yea, I go to school but I dont stay in the dorms and due to the fact that the main campus is like 30 minutes away from where I stay with no traffic is hard. I have to find a job get enough money saved up so I can at least attempt to find a place. My life has been very hard since my mom died. I thought I had truly found happiness with him,that we would grow old together and have a family. But life just keeps throwin major obstacles in my way, I wonder if it gets any better from here. I feel like just disappearing and maybe everyone would be happier without me in the way. I always put his needs before mines, never even thought twice about me. It seems as if all he ever do is think about himself. What do I do? Where do I go from here? My life is a mystery right now. What am I supposed to do? I just pray that I find the answer and the strength to keep on living

Remembering When

I remember the last words you said to me
not thinking the next day you'd be gone
"I love you and I'll always be here" was your last words.
It was like you knew the moment you rest your head,
you wouldn't wake from that bed
Now you're in heaven
a place you always talked about
even though we had our fights
I could always depend on you
to be at my games, ceremonies, activities, or whatever
you were always there
you were there when I was sick,
when I needed someone to talk to you were my rock, my foundation
Now that you're gone, life is one big blur
I dont know where to go or who to turn to
Please, come back to me and show me the way
until the time we meet again, you'll always
be MY BESTFRIEND!!

In Loving Memory of
Hilda L. Kay (Aug. 28, 1961-Jan. 25, 2003)

Questions

How is it that one would take so much when it comes down to the one they love? When do you say enough is enough? Where do you draw the line when they start doing shit they said they would never do? Women after women, late night phone call after late night phone call. How do you not stand to look back on your childhood and say damn, I watched this shit happened as I grew up. When do you realize that the same thing happened to the woman who carried you in her womb? How do you stop yourself from going down the same path? I sit here with a shit load of questions on my mind, wondering if they will even be answered. How can you love someone that much and its not mutual? When does it ever become right? How could this have been prevented? Was it my fault? Is it my fault? Am I that weak when it comes to him? Do I start to become the paranoid woman who always think her husband is doing something wrong? When will it ever stop? Why can't he see that I love him? How did I invest my all and get nothing in return? Will I become that bitter black woman? How do you determine if he is worth all the pain and the tears? How do I love someone so much and am getting nothing in return?