Just want to do this

I needed someone to talk to who would actually listen n talk back but since no one is available I just need to get this off my chest AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I strongly dislike people who get upset or mad at u over the smallest stuff and then hold it against u what kind of sense does that make... For the past couple of nights I've went to bed hornier than all hell and couldnt get shit cause some dumb ass wouldnt talk to me over the stupidest thing over... Now Im just in sexual overload and its only been a couple of nights.... ok Chal, I admit that I am a nymphomaniac... didnt think so until now, shit does that mean I need help?

Missin Her

Lately, I've been questioning a lot of things that have gone on in my life.. Why has this happened, why has that happened, should i, should i not? Those kind of things... N everytime I came up with something I would wish that my mom was here so I could talk to her and get her advice..

I have to admit that ever since she died I've been trying to find my way ever since... God took away my heart, friend, companion, adviser and everything when he took her away. I hate that she didnt get to me walk across the stage or actually met someone that I was really serious about. She didnt get the chance to see me go to college or even my 15th birthday.. Things like this I regret not being able to have her around... My mom was THE one I could talk to and depend on for being there. I miss her sooo much...

Every major life decision I always want to turn to her and ask her or just being able to pick up the phone whenever I need her. I see how close others are with their mom and I just have to turn my head cause I dont have that anymore. Dont get me wrong I love my stepmom but no one will be able to replace my mother. She was the one that has been there from day one and I feel cheated only having her around for 14 years. I know some dont even have theirs for that long but I feel that she was taken at such a critical point in my life where I needed her the most. Alot of the things that I had a passion for when she was living has died such as playing ball which was the main reasonI quit.. Sometimes I just sit and think about would she be proud of me now? Honestly I cant say that she would because I seen what she went through with men and I did the same thing with my ex-husband.. I've been slacking on my school and I think that she would be disappointed. She always talked about us getting a good education, dont get me wrong Im still going to get mines because thats a very important thing to me, I want to never have to depend on anyone else for nothing as long as Im alive. 

Soon as I come up with a good design I will get a tattoo in rememberance of her just never had anything that stood out to me.. I just miss her soo much being able to hold her, kiss her, n just talk to her... I love you mommy, you will always be in my heart and I will continue to live my life as u were here.. R.I.P 08.28.1961 - 01.23.2003

Food for thought: Marriage= piece of paper?

Ok, so I was just checkin my facebook and read a status that caught my eye.. It was asking is marriage just a piece of paper? Now I could go either way with this but even though I've been through what I have I would say no. There are different types of marriages that people can enter into.

According to Wikipedia "marriage is a social union or legal contract between individuals that create kinship." When people used to marry it was because that they were in love and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with the other individual. In some cases those are still the reasons why some people actually get married. They last because their love for one another and the bond that they have is strong enough to overcome all obstacles. In some cases there are arranged marriages but even still some tend to eventually fall in love with their spouse if they werent before. These are cases where marriage isnt just a piece of paper, its about the unity of two to become one in front of God and in some cases their friends and family. 

Now in the military there is a such thing called a contract marriage. In a contract marriage the two individuals get married for the extra income that a soldier gets when they are married or have children. The individuals in question are free to see whoever if that is what they choose and most likely they will. The spouses split the extra money and go about their business.

So to some it is just a piece of paper to floss around and say that they are or have been married. Then to others it is deeper than a piece of paper. It is promises that they have made to each other in front of God to be with each other through everything. It is held together with love and compassion. 

I havent came up with a name for this but I just need to get this off my chest. As some of u may know that for the weekend I came back to ft. stewart. Its cool and everything but now that I've been here u know I kind of get the feeling as if Im becoming a burden or that the person who came and got me wants me gone. Maybe it's just me cause of what i've been through lately and its changed the way I see people and certain situations. I cant really too much say anything about what they're doing cause its none of my business of who they talk to or do it with. But when Im ur guest and ur the one who wanted me to come down here n I dont feel wanted there is a big fuckin problem. 

Is it too hard to find that one person who u can share evrything with and who would want to be there for u no matter what it is? Not that Im looking cause my head is still fucked up from the last relationship but when it seems like everytime I get close to someone and confide in them about shit that relationship/friendship never works... Maybe its supposed to be like that... why do I feel like Im alone in this world? No matter how many people are on it or who Im around i still feel alone. I feel like Im just taking up space  sometimes cause no one seems to notice that Im here.... i can only hold so much in before it comes out one way or the other, without anyone that I can actually talk to and who will just listen Im overwhelmed with things. I can only give it over to God, but even that seems hard cause no matter how much I try it always seems to come back to me. I tend to think about a lot of things and I try and play out every scenario in my head and that is what is driving me crazy. I cant seem to let things go, im not one to express myself just openly... it takes a lot for me to open up. The only way that I can even remotely open up is to blog about it or write it down in a notebook I keep. I think that Im going insane!!

Life Update

Okay, I know it's been ages since I last blogged but a lot has been going on and I had the chance to actually blog but never did because I was so stressed. Im not as stressed as I used to be but it is still there.

Marriage is a wonderful things, it is full of ups and downs but having that one person who will always be there to help u through it and will always have ur back no matter what makes it worth while. That one person who u could tell everything to and the love that you have for each other is so apparent. I dont have that anymore I thought I did but it turned out not to be. Right now at this point in my life I dont ever want to get married again because the hurt and pain caused by someone who have given ur all to is undescribable. This marriage has been full of ups and downs but the good times always pulled through. Even going through the divorce process has been stressful. My husband and I are still friends and we are cool as hell, we still laugh and joke around just like we used and some people just dont seem to get why. They think that just cause we're getting a divorce we're supposed to be angry and at each other's throats all the time. I still go to his family's house and spend time with them, hell we even went out together all of us his parents, brother,him, my sister and I and had a ball. I love his family and they love me and no matter what happened between me and their son they chose to remain a part of my life and Im so greatful for that.

Since we are divorcing I have moved back to Athens to stay with my parents until I get back on my feet. Which there was a lot of heated discussion because I felt as if I was going backwards. I mean ever since I was little I wanted to get out of Athens and that was my goal. I have went away and came back and that's not what I wanted, not to live. For some Athens is a dream come true but for me my dreams and aspirations are much bigger. So for now I will be taking classes at Athens Tech(hopefully), find a job so I can save up money to continue doing what I need to do in my life. Going through this divorce has made me realize who I am and what I actually want in life. Even though we've had our arguments or whatever I love my parents. If it wasnt for them God knows where I would be right now.

Through all of this I can still hold my head up high. Cause I know that I tried and done my best by him and it just wasnt the right time for us. We made it further than alot of people thought we would. I wish him the best and Im going to continue to follow my dreams. For the people that have been there for me through this all I truly appreciate and love you guys even though I know some of u dont read these. For that one person I've cried my eyes out to, all the talks we have had, doing what u did even when u didnt have the money to do it and for the nights u held me in ur arms because that was what I needed the most, thanks a lot u are truly a good friend and Im glad that u came into my life at the point that I considered to be my lowest. Even though u don't think so, u are truly a special person and no matter what I will be thankful and appreciative of what u have done for me. 

I dont regret anything that has happened because it is a lesson learned and it was a life changing experience for me. It was great while it lasted but now it is time to push forward through all the adversity, stupid comments and rumors and to move on with my life. The best way to make people look like an ass is to do what I planned and it will speak for itself.  The comments,stories,lies, and whatever else people who absolutely know nothing about me say are just the fuel for my fire. For the person who told my step-mom there was a nasty blog about them why dont u run and tell this.