Anger/Hurt/Happiness

Sometimes I wonder what happened to me? How did I end up this way? Im not necessarily bitter just more so angry. I didn’t realize how angry I was. So mad at all that has gone in my life. I havent caught a break since I was 14. My relationships havent been exactly good, I don’t really have them. I remember always being this shy girl which grew into my being a shy woman who never really opened up and expressed herself. I’m actually thankful for Terry, even though all the BS we’ve been through he’s helped me with that. I’m expressing myself a lot better and what I’m expressing seems like years of built up anger. Don’t get me wrong that’s not all that I’m expressing. Ok, lets take for example this person I’m talking to when I finally started talking more he said I thought you were this shy sweet girl but you’re not. I was once upon a time, it might be due to the fact that I’m not a girl anymore, I’m growing into my own lady. But I would like to get this anger out of me because I feel that its hindering me from doing a lot of things. I’m scared to love anyone, I’m scared to be vulnerable, I’m upset that I’m always the “friend.” I always help people get over there problems and get through whatever but yet no one actually sticks around for me. I’ve tried to figure that one out for many years. If I tell them about my past they got scared and that just made me slowly close back up. Then I started to think if people are only going to get scared or look at me differently when I tell them certain things then I would rather keep it to myself. Maybe I will end up by myself, who knows. As of right now, I just think that its best if I’m by myself. I’m tired of people stringing me along and getting my feelings involved when that’s not easy for me to do at all. I have to say probably a lot of the anger is geared towards to myself cause I keep allowing myself to get attached and catch feelings for people and the end result is me getting hurt. I’ll tell myself that no more until I get myself on track, but the compassionate and loving person inside of me always seems to come out. It’s a constant fight between me wanting to be the “bitch” to protect myself and that inner person who just cares so much and for some reason they always win. I have a this hard exterior so that people won’t get close but somehow some people do and it bothers me that I let them. I cant risk another heartache and after all that I been through I deserve someone whose gonna love me in and out. Who will understand and accept me for who I am. I guess I should say be IN love with me. Cause there is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with them. I guess you could say I’m a romantic, as much as I want to believe in fairy tales and happy endings I know that isn’t always the case. One day when GOD decides that its time I know that he will send me that one special person. Until that time, I will continue to better myself and focus on my relationship with GOD and myself.

Frustrated, I dont even know what Im feeling

I havent been to sleep and am filled with all types of emotions right now. After having a good conversation with someone early this morning, it would never fail that something would try to ruin my mood. So a couple of days I came to another friend's house to help them pack. Now considering the background us two have many people suggested that we just parted ways, but since things ended on such a good note we decided to be friends. Nothing wrong with that, you live and you learn and move on.I never saw anyone so damn selfish in my whole entire life!!!!! Ugh, just makes me wanna scream cause one he shouldnt be able to pull these emotions out of me and two he's just so damn SELFISH!!! That has played a major part in everything cause he never stops to think about how what he does effects the people closest to him and that wants to be there for him. Take for instance when he came up a while back on leave, we're all at his parents house now his parents is packing up their house so that they can remodel and his dad suffers from diabetes. Now he looks up to his dad a lot like to the point that he basically does a lot of what. This particular day when we were about to go out and spend time as a"family", his dad gets a call from his doctor saying that some kind of test came back and his levels were high and they wanted him to come in to make sure everything was okay. Now instead of making sure his dad was okay all he was concerened about was leaving and going whereever. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Something could be wrong and you're worried about getting something. When it comes to him he doesnt care who or what he hurts to get where he wants to be. Just like he messed up his dad's credit by letting a truck get reposed when his dad cosigned for it. I mean I could keep going but Id rather not. Just the shit he does. But anywho, he knew I was here, knew I was trying to help him out now he gets a call and leaves. Ok thats cool, but when ur ass stays gone all day when Im taking the time out of my vacation to help ya monkey ass out, I think not!! It's probably nothing but these nasty ass females that he's messing with. I mean really come on. Who the fuck is that inconsiderate? I mean I rather not get into the rest cause it just pisses me off but it gets worse. This is why I've become the way I am, because people want to take advantage of me being nice and trying to help them out. FUuckin assholes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going Natural

At What Cost

You can check out more videos at http://www.youtube.com/user/MzXzodik

Thoughts

I dont know where to start. I'm somewhere that feels like home, and I have to go back to a place that doesnt. People that Ive become close with over the past three years are HERE!! Why would I go back to a place where I feel unwanted and like Ive overstayed my welcome? When one part of my life seems to go right, the other part drifts further in the wrong direction. Its like polar opposites. Tired of the drama back in that place. I wanna be able to relax, go out sometimes and actually have fun. I wonder what would happen if some things happened differently in my life... I can only wonder and imagine what would've happened but in reality Im grateful for everything that has happened in my past because it has made me the strong, intelligent, and determined young lady that I am. I have learned how to back bounce fast and to fend for myself. Which may be a bad thing at times, because I tend to not let anyone help me even if I need it. I have a huge problem of opening up to others, but that has been something that I'm working on. It seems as if every relationship that I have ends up on bad terms, well not all but most. I was talking about this earlier with someone but men tend to see me as "one of the guys" and that can be a bad thing because that makes me undateable to most. Im just rambling on and on and this isnt even touching the surface of my thoughts. My mind is constantly in overdrive and its hard to put them down or say them all. I think Im going to the beach now to clear my head

What being focused will do for you

When I read this article and watched the video I couldnt help but be emotional. Jessica Herrera is an 18 yr old girl who recently graduated from Coral Gables Senior High School with a 5.5 GPA, 1270 SAT score and a free ride to Florida International University. So why was I emotional? Despite the fact that her parents were going to be deported back to Nicragua and she had to live in a homeless shelte rher senior year, she made it!! She will be the first in her family to graduate high school and go to college. To read more and watch the interview click on the link below



http://www.nbcmiami.com/news/local-beat/Homeless-Teen-To-Attend-College-for-Free-96182914.html?yhp=1

My Home

If you follow me on twitter, then you know that I came back to the Ft.Stewart/Savannah area. Just being here again made me feel like Im at home... Ever since I first moved down here I loved it!! This was my home for almost three years and now Im dreading going back to Athens... I dont even see Athens as my home anymore, once I moved that was it... Despite the fact that my family is there, it still doesnt feel like home. If it wasnt for some chain of events I wouldnt be there now. Once you experience living out on your own and doing whatever you never want to move back with your family. Granted it is giving me the chance to regroup and start fresh, but its still as if im living on my own. I provide for me, even with no job, Im still providing for me. Thats another thing Athens job pool is shitty, when I came back down here there were hiring signs everywhere and people still want me to come work for them. But for the moment, Im tired of moving and starting over with school. If I can stand it that long, I plan on staying in Athens to finish my core requirements and then transfer. Even though Ima Georgia girl through and through, I eventually want to make my Florida my home or at least a vacation spot for me. I just want a place that I can call home again and actually enjoy living there for a long period of time.