My Release

I just need to release the thoughts that are in my mind, they are driving me crazy. Screaming to be let out. My world is upside down right now and I’m not sure if I can fix it. I put on a smile and go about my day as if nothing is wrong when deep down inside my world is tumbling down. Chaos surrounds me, people aren’t happy and I just hate to come back to this house. There is no love. Its amazing how there’s a house full of people and I can feel all alone. I’m secluded, withdrawn, and just unhappy. I retreat to my room and stay to myself. No one can be trusted; everything seems to come out all wrong. So much animosity and disgust. He hates her cause of the accusations, there is not really love. She hates him cause of what he’s done in the past and the fact that he cant be trusted. They hate me cause I’m not like them, I moved away to find myself and become a better person. I don’t argue and fight all the time like I used to. I don’t walk as angry as I used to be. I don’t hate anything but I strongly dislike the fact that there is so much animosity, disgust, distrust and all going on but yet in public they try to act like the perfect family but yet throw me under the bus to anyone. Yet because they don’t know me and they can only go by what you say then they think that it is true. Not once has anyone sat down and held a conversation with me about why I am the way I am here. So I turn to the alcohol to drown my problems not that I do it daily but when I do I just want to forget my problems and pretend that everything’s okay. That next morning when I come to a realization that I have to go back to my reality and everything is not okay I only sink deeper. School has been a major stress reliever for me but now that it’s over I don’t know what to do until the fall quarter starts. I don’t like being around the same people all the time because I know that they have their own problems. I have my own demons that I’m trying to work on and this façade that I put on is weighing my down. So what will be my release now? Writing, music, just getting away.. I don’t know but only time will tell… I sit and think of how happy I once was and how I would love to get back to the point but first I have to pull out of this mess. This place is bringing me down… I’m not myself when I’m here, its hard to be that surrounded by all of this. So amidst all the drama, hate and disgust how do I get back there in that happy place? I’m not this sad, closed off person that I used to be… I left her back in 07 but when I’m here she seems to creep back… I know that I only turn to my God when I feel like I cant go on, I know that he’s there and I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve been out of touch, I want that connection back with him and maybe just maybe I could start to pull my life back together again.